by Msgr. Charles Pope

We've talked a good deal about the decline of marriage on this blog over the years. And our discussion must continue.

In my short 25 years as a priest I have experienced a major drop off in marriages. In my early years, I had about thirty weddings a year; now, about five or six. In this urban parish in which I have ministered for the larger part of 20 years, a beautiful and picturesque setting for a matrimonial sacrament, we used to have to turn couples away who were not members. Some Saturdays featured two weddings back to back. Beginning in 2000, weddings plummeted.

And lest you think this just unique to me in my urban parish, note that in 1973 there just over 400,000 weddings in Catholic parishes in this country. In 2003, there were 199,645, more that a 50% drop in thirty years. Last year, 2012, there 166,991 weddings in the Church. Compare that to the 419,278 funerals and you have a pretty good picture of a Church and a culture that are in real trouble and of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony that is "dying." Thus my anecdotal experience matches the national trends and numbers.

Recently Mona Charen offered some thoughtful reflections on Marriage in National Review. I would like to offer her comments along with some of my own. Note that I am excerpting her article, the full version of which is here: The Marriage Divide. In that article she speaks of the sources of some of her statistics and offers context that these excerpts may not include. Hence I recommend the full article as well. As usual, her comments are in Black, bold, italics. My remarks are in plain red text.

Marriage is decaying very fast. As recently as the 1980s, …only 13 percent of the children of moderately educated mothers…were born outside of marriage. Today, it is 44 percent. Even more disturbing are the recent data showing that 53 percent of babies born to women under age 30 are non-marital.

I will only add that these sorts of number are simply shocking, not just for their real impact but also for how swiftly this revolution has come upon us. One struggles not to see outright demonic along with the usual human sinfulness that produces cultural ailments.

If you graduate from college, you are likely to choose a family life similar to, if not quite identical to, the 1950s ideal. (I suspect even this is beginning to change for the worse). If you are a high-school dropout, you are unlikely to marry at all. If you have a high-school diploma or some college, your family life in many cases is going to be chaotic, featuring cohabitation, short marriages, and high rates of instability….cohabiting couples have a much higher breakup rate than do married couples, a lower level of household income, and a higher level of child abuse and domestic violence. (She speaks to some of the sources of these sober trends in her article).

[C]ohabitation is a very bad deal for all concerned — especially women and children. The children of cohabiting couples do worse than those living with a single mother if the boyfriend is not the biological father of the children. The break-up rate among unmarried cohabiting couples is much higher than among married couples, with all that that entails for disruption, poverty, and pathology.

And again, it is the children who pay most and first for all this adult misbehavior. But the damage does not stop there, as can be seen.

I would also like to say that regarding the cohabitation problem, there are two levels to the problem: the young who do it, and the parents and grandparents who actively or passively approve of it. Once upon a time, even in my short 52 years, this behavior was not only frowned upon, it was punished at both the family and cultural level. Folk who "shacked up" received significant pressure: financial, social, familial and cultural, to stop "living in sin."

The sexual revolution, with a thinking strongly tied in with a lot of hallucinogenic drugs, sold us a bill of goods that it was really "better" for a couple to "take a test ride" before tying the knot. For at least two decades now the data have exposed this as a lie. But the lie continues.

Bottom line, cohabitation harms everyone: man, woman, child, society, culture, the Church, the family, everyone. We stamp out smoking but celebrate something that causes even more harm. Time to wake up. Cohabitation is sinful and harmful.

In a 2001 survey, two-thirds of respondents approved of living together before marriage. Even then, data suggested that couples who cohabited before marriage were more likely to divorce than those who went straight to the altar….

Men cohabit with less expectation of permanence than women do. Many couples not destined for marriage waste good years in impermanent arrangements, often becoming parents….

Ms. Charen also developed the economic implications of cohabitation:

President Obama addressed income inequality in a recent address but failed to mention one of the most significant contributors to rising inequality in America — the marriage gap. Jobs are changing, international competition has driven down wages, top executives are pulling down enormous salaries, but it is cultural patterns, specifically personal decisions about cohabitation and marriage, that are most responsible for deepening the divide between haves and have-nots in America.

There is perhaps no greater correlation than the one between poverty and single-motherhood (absent fatherhood). And so many of the other social ills that we lament and decry come from irresponsible sexual activity.

Unlike trust funds, marriage is available to everyone and confers the same benefits on rich and poor. There is no substitute for two married parents who care for one another in sickness, help each other in child and elder care, watch the kids while a spouse takes night classes, and contribute to thriving communities. In-laws give loans, jobs, and other support that they are unlikely to extend to live-in "significant others."

Without the basics of security and permanence in their personal lives, people find it much more difficult to rise out of poverty or to maintain a middle-class life. They are also far less happy. If you care about the poor and the middle class, you ought to worry about marriage.

Amen. And yet many of those who most claim to care about the poor are loathe to discuss marriage or sexuality as factors in poverty.

I remember once being at a meeting of largely socially liberal clergy who were arguing that one of the "greatest threats" that young people face and the reason for dropping test scores and higher dropout rates in our city was lead paint and roach feces in the homes and schools. And thus the city should spend money to abate these things and (theoretically) the lower test scores etc., would rebound.

When I spoke, I said it would nice to get rid of these problems, but I thought there were bigger issues at work than lead paint and roach droppings. Perhaps, I stated, that single motherhood and teenage pregnancy were likely bigger factors in low test scores, higher dropout rates, and growing juvenile crime.

Well, I received a scorn you can only imagine. I was passed a note by one of the leaders that I was "off message" and that I should keep my moral opinions to myself.

Somehow I figured that clergy might "get" what I was saying. Though scorned, I stood my ground, and insisted that the social devastation of sexual irresponsibility far out weighed many of the other things people obsess about. Fine, lets remove lead paint and clean up after the roaches and even stamp out smoking. But how about working to restore families? What of preaching and teaching God's plan for marriage and sexuality? What of the extremely deleterious effects of sexual irresponsibility, cohabitation, divorce, and so many other trends that are out of control?

Even as we pass laws forbidding smoking almost everywhere, we seem to forget that before 1969 it was pretty hard to get a divorce in this country. People were generally expected to work their difficulties out, and be married to the father or mother of their children.

While there are rumors that some in the Church are going to pressure to Synod Fathers to change Church Law in the admittance of divorced and remarried Catholics to Communion, I rather doubt that will happen. It is my prayer that the Synod Fathers and members will focus rather on fixing the problems rather than lowering standards. We have a lot to answer for in the Church for the horrifying confusion today about marriage. We have not been clear on marriage and too many clergy don't want to upset people who haven't been able to attain to, or keep stable and marriages and families after God's own design. We have been to silent. And to what degree people do know of our teachings, many find them unintelligible when we hand out annulments in the numbers we do, and have so many complicated rules about the wedding ceremony but so little followup after the wedding day.

That said, I don't think it fair to blame the Church wholly for the mess. Our culture clearly went over the cliff in 1968 and 1969 with the sexual revolution and no fault divorce. Contraception celebrated the lie that there was "no necessary connection" between sex and procreation, and also furthered the lie of sex without consequences. 55 million abortions later (Since 1973), our families in the shredder, and the lie is manifest, but many still choose to believe it. Sex without consequences? No such thing.

Pray for clarity and prophetic teaching. Pray.

by Pete Briscoe

"Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join." - Elbert Hubbard

Late one night, about five years ago, my wife and I found ourselves sitting in our kitchen. We started talking and it went something like this:

Libby: "Okay, we really need to talk."

Me: "Okay, let's talk."

Libby: "I'm so angry at you I can barely stand it."

Me: "Why?"

Libby: "I'm not even sure why. I'm just seething with anger."

Me: "Well, you know what? I'm angry at you, too."

We talked a little bit more and a little bit more, and eventually she came out with it:

Libby: "You know, I don't even like you anymore."

Me: "I don't like you, either."

We just stared at each other - silence for the longest time. It was a defining moment. The future of our family hung in the balance.

We realized that the marriage we had constructed was a poor imitation of what God really had for us.
We also knew we were locked into the journey of life together.
Would we just sit there and let our marriage continue to die?

I've learned a lot since then, and I've become more and more convinced of a simple truth: Satan divides, and the Holy Spirit unites.

Satan is at work in our marriages, our families, and our friendships, and some of his favorite tools are his lies. With an IQ of about 30 million, he and his comrades have woven a web of deception and deceit. If you believe those lies, your relationships can disintegrate before your eyes and you'll wonder what happened - at least, that's what happened to us. Paul laid out a counter attack:

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: "Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." - Ephesians 5:11-14

That night in the kitchen was a turning point. We didn't know how we got where we were, and we didn't know where we were headed. But we decided that we were going to put in the hard work, learn to be painfully honest, and ask Christ to give us the marriage that He longed for us to have. As we journeyed out, I became acutely aware of four lies of Satan that are rampantly believed in relationships that are in trouble, like ours was.

Feel trapped like we did? The truth can set your marriage free.

Father, right here, right now, begin to expose the lies of darkness that I have accepted as true. This week, expose them with the light of Your Word. Wake me, elevate me, shine the light of Jesus on my home and my relationships. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts."
- Jeff Foxworthy

The Pew Poll reports that 44% of Americans under 30 believe that marriage is heading for extinction, but 95% of Americans want to get married someday. That's interesting, isn't it? There's skepticism, but also intrigue. They know there's something dynamic and special about this relationship, but our culture keeps saying, "Marriage was great for your grandparents, but it's unnecessary bondage for this age of freedom." Time magazine recently ran a cover that simply asked in big letters, "Who needs marriage?" Good question. How would you answer?

Lie number 1: Marriage is an archaic institution irrelevant for enlightened modern people. Many believe this lie, the rest of us need to ask ourselves if marriage is even worth it. Why do we even need this anymore?"

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. - Genesis 2:24

This is the way God always intended it: one man, one woman coming together, becoming one, enjoying oneness in Christ. It's God's original plan, and it's meant to last. He's never rescinded it. Marriage is simply one of God's great ideas.

I've done dozens of weddings over the years, and I start them all the same way:

"Marriage is:

A holy estate.
Instituted by God.
Commanded in Scripture for all who enter it lawfully and in true affection.
Confirmed by Christ's solemn words and consecrated by His gracious presence at the marriage feast in Cana of Galilee.
Set forth by the apostle as signifying the mystical union between Christ and the Church.
Ordained for the consecration of union between man and woman so that the natural instincts being directed aright they might live in purity and honor.
Ordained for the increase of mankind and that children might be brought up in the fear and the nurture of the Lord.
Ordained for companionship, health, and comfort, which husband and wife ought to have of each other.
Ordained for the welfare of human society which can be strong and happy only where the marriage bond is held highly in honor."

Satan lies. The truth is that marriage is divine, timeless, and significant. You might be in it or out of it- either way, marriage is part of God's eternal purpose for the Body of Christ… and it will be until death we do part.

God, make me a vessel of Your truth. When I begin to doubt the validity and need of marriage, make me willing to take that thought captive. By Your Spirit and Your Word, convict me of Your divine purpose in the marriage covenant for my good and for Your glory. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. Two can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one..."
 - Three Dog Night

Christian colleges can be like meat markets. Church single groups can be the same. Sometimes I wonder if the singles in those classes are into God or into the bed of the person next to them. Are they following the Holy Spirit or their hormones? Sure, there is a natural attraction to get married, but the desire can also be part of a deep, deep emotional deception that lures people out of trust and contentment in Christ.

Lie number 2: You can't be happy unless you're married.

Think you have to be married to be whole and happy? Get this: Paul spends the whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 convincing people not to get married.

Now for the matters you wrote about: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." … I wish that all men were as I am [Paul was single]. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried… I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. - 1 Corinthians 7:1-1, 7-8, 32-35

Do you believe you can't be happy unless you're married? The truth is this:

Singleness is either a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy.

The loneliest people I know are not single adults. The loneliest people are people I know trapped in a bad marriage. Marriage is not the happiness pill a lot of people think it is. If you want to be happy in marriage, remember that true joy and fulfillment are found only in Christ. Period.

God, Your Word says, "in Your presence there is fullness of joy." I lay claim to that truth right here, right now, no matter what my circumstances might be. Turn my heart towards You, as my source of true fulfillment - filling me until I'm full - in "need" of nothing else. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife is not Jesus. But even after being raised by a pastor, going to Bible school, and graduating from seminary, I believed she was Jesus. You probably think your spouse is, too. Really. I lived quite contentedly with Jesus when I was single. But after we married, I expected Libby to do in my life what only Jesus is capable of doing. It was a recipe for disaster.

Lie number 3: Your spouse will complete you.

If you believe this lie, your thoughts might sound like this:

I need someone else to fill the empty places in my life.
If I find that person, my loneliness will be gone and I will be whole.
The right person will complement me. They will be strong when I am weak.
Etc., etc., etc…

You can go on believing that fantasy if you want, but the truth is this: Your spouse will NOT complete you; your spouse will complicate you. If you are single, trust me on this one. If you are married, you can stop nodding your head right now. One of God’s purposes in marriage is to use our spouse to reveal our flesh patterns, selfishness, and sin. If you are looking for true love and affirmation, only Christ will complete you.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. —Ephesians 3:14-19

As we come to grips with the love of Christ, we find fulfillment in Him, and then we get to delight in the relationships we have been given.

All I can say is that it works for Libby and me. When we walk in the Spirit, rather than the flesh, we really see Jesus as our answer, Jesus as our power, Jesus as our strength, and Jesus as our love. When we see ourselves as completed in Christ, all the pressure is lifted off one another, and we actually start delighting each other.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. —Colossians 2: 9-10

Father, show me where I am depending on others to complete me, rather than receiving my completeness in Christ. Refocus the expectations I place on others to complete me. I know I was designed to be filled by You! Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main."
- John Donne

People who feel they have strong marriages are 140% more likely to be in a healthy small group than those who are struggling with their marriage. That's a fact. Those who are connected with others tend to be stronger than those of us who are in isolation. But when things get rough in relationships, do you go with the truth or the lie?

Lie number 4: You two can handle this on your own. Satan's strategy is to divide and conquer. He wants you to think that you are the only ones going through this stuff (Ha!). He wants you to feel more embarrassed than you feel motivated to get help. He wants you to avoid the people who speak truth and love into your life. He wants you to disobey one of the foundational principles in Scripture:

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. —Hebrews 10:23-25

You need that. I need that. We need that. It's a lie to think otherwise. It's called loving biblical community.

What's going on in your key relationships? What's up in your marriage? Are you trying to handle it on your own? If you want to go it alone, I suppose you can try, but why? Maybe it's time to flush some pride and ego and get connected like God designed it?

God, I accept that I am not an island. I need You. I need what You provide through others when things are tough. I confess my prideful, independent flesh patterns. Make me willing to accept Your grace, wisdom, and support through others. Show me whom You want me to connect with today. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henry Youngman

Winning a war takes devoted commitment to a cause. When an army burns a bridge behind them on their way to a battle, they are cutting off their only possibility of retreat, fully committing to fight for victory, even to the point of death.

Today, it's time to burn down a bridge that some people keep as an out in their marriage.

Lie 5: Divorce is an option.

I mean, jeez. Really? What happened to "till death do we part"? Entertaining this idea puts a cap on the commitment you're willing to give to your spouse and will allow other distractions to take away concentration from your relationship. If that little idea's in the back of your mind, it's killing your marriage, guaranteed.

Now, there are allowances in Scripture for divorce in extreme circumstances…

Matthew 5:32 — Jesus said, "Except for sexual immorality." He made an exception for people whose spouses were acting out sexually. In some of those cases, you can move forward with divorce.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14 — If you become a believer and your spouse is a nonbeliever, remains a non-believer and they leave you, divorce is allowed.
Death probably counts too… But not if you cause it! (There is that commandment about murder, but let's not go there.)

Just remember: An exception, by definition, is exceptional for extreme cases. It's normal for marriage to get tough—even so tough that you don't think you can handle it anymore. But your two options are not "stay in this miserable marriage, or get divorced." Your two options are:

1) disengage, be unhappy, numb, and live separate lives under the same roof, or

2) actively engross yourself in whatever is necessary to bring life to your marriage by letting Christ handle what you can't handle anymore.

Holy Spirit, You are the great Counselor and by Your counsel, I burn my bridges. I'm all in until death do we part. Jesus, I no longer live, but You live in me. I fully surrender to Your leadership. Father, the battle belongs to You. I rest in You and trust in You to bring us to a point of victory over the world, the flesh, and the devil. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- Wesley in The Princess Bride

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner

At the risk of sounding callous and insensitive, let me state something obvious: marriage is painful. It's part of the design, as God created this permanent covenant relationship to strip away our flesh and make us more like Jesus. If we bail on marriage to get away from this pain, we actually cause more of it.

Lie 6: The kids will be better if we divorce.

Several studies have proven the devastating effects divorce has on children showing that children of all ages deal with negative impact on their emotions, behavior patterns, compliance with rules and self-image, to name a few.* And that’s just short-term. The truth is the kids will be worse off if you divorce.

Instead of seeing a couple give up on each other, it is far better that children see parents who:

Focus on Christ – Christ is the only one who can mold the heart fruitfully. Kids need to see authorities be faithful to Christ and see how He is conforming them to Himself.

Seek outside help – It’s often hard for people to look for help from others. Kids need to know that it’s okay not to know all the answers. They need to see parents seeking out and confiding in others who can help bring answers.

Crucify their flesh – Our fleshly desires for personal satisfaction come at the expense of people around us. Kids need to see adults look to others with compassion, even if it’s inconvenient and painful.

Break old patterns – Things don’t have to be the same. Kids need a role model that removes their bad habits and focuses on Jesus and the things He has planned for their lives.

Forgive forever – Often our hearts and love are compromised by grudges towards our spouse. Kids need to see parents who forgive and forget, who are willing to work on past hurts, even to the point of forgiving despite lack of regret on the other person’s part.

Trust in Christ – It’s easy to try meeting our own spiritual needs with "stuff" or "better circumstances." Kids need to learn that Christ is the only one who always provides and always supports us.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up….
…A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Our kids need to live in a loving, nurturing home with both parents working through the hardship of marriage together. Surrendered to Christ, they exemplify for their kids that marriage is hard (just like life), but so, so very worth the commitment now and in the long run.

God, for the good of my kids and everyone around me, I place myself in Your hands now. I hold my children dear in my heart. Reveal to me how I can be a better spiritual leader to them by walking in Your Spirit today. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?"
- Barbra Streisand

Farmers are scared to death of locusts. A single swarm can cover over 100 square miles and might contain hundreds of millions of ravenous insects that can totally strip land of plant life. The most recent major infestation was in 1915 near Jerusalem - a place where it's difficult to grow food in the best of circumstances. When an enormous swarm of locusts swept through, it caused a major famine, devastated the population and left a wasteland void of all hope.

Lie 7: Your marriage is hopeless.

Right before marriage blooms into what it's supposed to be, most (if not all) of us come right to the edge of hopelessness. I know. I was there. My wife and I felt bitter anger towards each other, so much that we wished we could be done. Had we not burned the bridge of divorce, it might have been a legitimate option on our list.

In the Batman sequel, "The Dark Night", Harvey Dent said, "The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming." Let me say the same thing. If you feel that you are at the end of your marriage, if you've gone to the way of your flesh, or if you look across the table at night saying, "I don't even like you anymore." You're right on the doorstep of what God has for you. Don't give up now. Reach for the
promises of God.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."
- Isaiah 26:3

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."
- Joel 2:25

It's a beautiful image! If your marriage is like that utter wasteland, God says, "You see that devastation? I will restore everything that is lost. I will bring it back to life, new life in Me."

God, in the midst of these troubles, I trust in You and You alone. Heal my heart and give me hope for my relationship. I fix my hope on You, focus my mind on You, and depend on You to live through me so that I can walk in Your Spirit today. Amen.

by Pete Briscoe

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war."
- G. K. Chesterton

Whenever I have a struggling couple in my office, I pitch a very simple vision for them. I tell them to picture themselves sitting on the porch of their house in rocking chairs with an iced tea or lemonade. It's Thanksgiving. Their children are there, grandkids are running all over their yard. They glance at each other, "Boy, remember year 13 when we almost called it quits? Glad we didn't. Year 27 was a doozy, too! Oh, thank you, Jesus. 50 years, and I'm so glad we didn't."

Lie 8: Marriage isn't worth the bother.

This lie is really just a sub-lie of one of Satan's other favorite lies that "easy is better than hard."

Honestly, easy is seldom better than hard. The truth is that marriage is one of God's best ideas, and a good marriage is an inexpressible joy. Work? Yes. Pain? Yes. Blood, sweat, and tears? Yes, all of that too... but it's worth it.

"From the fruit of their lips people are filled with good things, and the work of their hands brings them reward." - Proverbs 12:14

"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." - Proverbs 18:22

"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman." - Proverbs 30:18-19

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies." - Proverbs 31:10

I'm asking you to make a new marriage with the spouse you promised to stay with. Reaffirm your commitment to follow through on it, and agree to engage fully to restore and build the marriage that God has for you. As He works in you, consciously look at how you're changing into God's image with your spouse. It's a process and it will never be perfect (don't expect that), but know that you're in God's will, and that your marriage is worth every bit.

God, renew my mind according to Your Truth. Take my worn-out heart and strengthen it. I can't fix this on my own, so I ask You to be at work in my married life. Use it all, good and bad, to conform me to Your Son and give me the conviction that it is worth it. Amen!

by Pete Briscoe

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Five years ago, my wife and I realized that we disliked each other. We knew we couldn't get divorced. We weren't about to be unfaithful. But we knew we couldn't stay where we were. So, we looked at each other, and we said, "Do we really wanna live like this for another 30 years?"

Paul learned the lesson of contentment in extenuating circumstances. As he wrote Philippians, he was in jail, had no money, and was near execution; but he still found joy in Christ. Paul's joy didn't come from improved circumstances. It came from living according to the truth rather than buying into the lies of the world, the flesh and Satan. It's the same for you and your marriage. Remember, the secret of marriage is two people walking in the Spirit, loving one another. Let's do something about that, following the pattern Paul laid out in Romans 12:1-2:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Out of the eight marriage lies we've uncovered, identify the ones that are most pressing on your marriage right now:

1. Marriage is irrelevant
2. Marriage is the only way to be happy
3. Your spouse will complete you
4. You two can handle it on your own
5. Divorce is an option
6. Divorce is better for your children
7. Your marriage is hopeless
8. Marriage isn't worth it

Read the truths that replace the lies that you find directly affecting you:

1. Marriage is divine, timeless, and significant
2. Singleness is a gift to cherish or a season to enjoy
3. Christ is the only one who can complete you
4. You need outside help to handle your marriage
5. Divorce is only an option in certain extreme cases
6. Married parents are far better for your kids
7. God offers hope and restoration for your marriage
8. A godly marriage will bring Him glory and bless the married immensely

Now, take both the lies and the truths to the Holy Spirit and ask that He would do the work that only He can do.

Spirit, show me, right now, the lies that are oppressing my marriage. In the name of Jesus, I rebuke Satan who is the father of those lies. I reject the lies as destructive and wrong. Renew my mind. Replace the lies with life-giving Truth. Reveal to me now specific changes that You want to make in my attitude and my actions. I surrender to You now. Live through me, moment by moment today, according to Your truth. Amen!!!

Scripture: Leviticus 4:27–35

If any member of the community sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the LORD's commands, when they realize their guilt and the sin they have committed becomes known, they must bring as their offering for the sin they committed a female goat without defect.
Leviticus 4:27–28

Everyone roared with laughter at Maggie's story about Brad's klutziness in fixing the car. Brad was mortified.

Thad had been paying bills online and then, without ever really planning to, he found himself deep in pornography. Melanie walked in and found him viewing images he had no business seeing.

Arthur and Gabriela thought they were just getting together with some friends from church, but then they found themselves caught up in an angry coup to get rid of the pastor. Six months later, the church was in shambles, and Arthur and Gabriela were wondering how they let themselves get involved in the mess.

Sometimes we sin without meaning to. We aim for righteousness, honor and wisdom, but we miss by a mile. Leviticus 4:2 introduces a Hebrew word for sin that means "to miss the mark." George R. Knight, professor of church history at Andrews University Theological Seminary (Berrien Springs, Michigan), explains, "You have missed, not because you are wicked, but because you are stupid, silly, careless, inattentive, perhaps lazy, or more probably because you do not possess the proper aim in life."

Add to that Hebrew word for sin the word "unintentionally," and it suggests someone wandering away like a silly sheep or someone who isn't thinking. We sometimes feel we ought to be given a break if we didn't really mean to sin. But the Bible doesn't cut us any slack. Whether we mean it or not, sin damages our relationship with God and with others. Anyone who is married knows that unintentional hurts, such as teasing about someone's weaknesses or being chronically late or missing a birthday, can do a lot of harm.

Leviticus 4 shows that God takes unintentional sins seriously. Forgiveness is available, but it doesn't come cheap. No quick, "Oops, sorry. Guess I wasn't thinking." Specific instructions were given in Leviticus 4 for how different groups were to deal with these kinds of sins. While the details differed a little from one group to another, the basic corrective steps were the same for each situation: bring an offering, then have it sacrificed to atone for the sin.

Today, we who confess Jesus Christ as Savior are grateful that we don't have to go through the laborious and gruesome atonement rituals of the Old Testament. Still, as we read through the requirements in Leviticus, we realize how the sacrificial system illustrates the seriousness of sin. These sin sacrifices did not overdramatize the sinner's situation; rather, they underdramatized it. The blood of animals could never pay for sin, whether unintentional or not. God mercifully accepted such sacrifices until his plan could be carried out to give his one and only Son, Jesus, as the complete sacrifice for sin.

Sin is terrible—even when it's unintentional. Praise God that Christ's death provides forgiveness for us and that his indwelling Spirit gives us the strength to aim straight at godliness.

Let's Talk

• What unintentional sins have we committed that proved our aim was way off?
• What happens when we do not take such sins as seriously as God does?
• As we read Leviticus 4:27–35, let's imagine doing each corrective step. What would it feel like? How would we be affected?