by Donna Jones

What if a few simple words could change the course of a marital conflict gone south? What if one phrase could help you and your spouse hit rewind so you're no longer dancing to the beat of two separate drums?

While there's no magic wand to create a happy marriage, there are a few phrases that can help you and your spouse relate as a loving, caring, committed duo.

1. I'm on Your Team

During our first year of marriage, my husband, J.P., and I were smack dab in the middle of a conflict that was quickly escalating from bad to worse. I wanted him to see my perspective; he wanted me to see his. Both of us thought (or more honestly, both of us knew) we were right. Neither of us was willing to back down. Tempers flared. Words were said. Feelings were hurt. The whole situation seemed hopeless. Truthfully, I started to wonder if maybe our marriage was hopeless, too.

Until...

In the midst of a particularly heated moment, my husband hit his emotional pause button and said one simple phrase that changed everything.

"Donna, I'm on your team."

His words were like deflating the air out a balloon ready to pop. Suddenly, the pressure, which only moments before seemed unbearable, felt manageable.

I must have looked stunned because he repeated the words again. I'm on your team.

These four words gave us the ability to see each other--and the problem--with new eyes. We became advocates not adversaries. His words made us both realize the importance of keeping the problem the problem rather than making the person the problem. Though we still didn't agree on everything, together we tackled the problem without destroying the person. Or our marriage.

Decades later we still keep this phrase tucked in our pocket. It's a game changer.

2. How Can I Help?

Marriage would be a whole lot easier without stress. But marriage means managing money, kids, work, schedules, responsibilities and household chores. Not to mention the added burdens of illness, holidays, in-laws, job changes and moves.This stuff is just part of life. For everyone.

But one phrase can lower the stress: How can I help?

These four words allow marriage partners to function as just that--partners.

"How can I help?" puts real-life feet to the biblical mandate that we not merely look out for our own personal interests, but also the interests of others.

Whether the help your spouse needs comes in the form of listening without trying to fix the problem ("I just need you to listen while I vent"), or help with the kids or the house ("Can you put the kids to bed while I take a bath?"), or a little time to refuel their emotional, spiritual or social tank ("Would you mind if I played golf this weekend?"), using the phrase "How Can I Help?" communicates genuine care and commitment to our partner's well-being. Even better, our efforts to help, turn out to actually be helpful. It's a win-win.

3. Let's Pray about It

Decision-making can be difficult for many couples. Too often conversations turn into "this is what I think" vs. "this is what you think" variety. When couples agree, this strategy may work fine, but when they don't, a simple decision can lay the groundwork for World War III. And while it's important to share thoughts and feelings--it's vital, even--often thoughts and feelings are better shared after a couple has prayed.

Prayer unites a couple on the spiritual level, which lays the groundwork for unity on the emotional, mental and physical ones. Prayer expresses dependence on God and leads to interdependence between spouses.

The phrase "let's pray about it" means decisions aren't all about what he wants, or all about what she wants, but about what God wants. "Let's pray about it" means we're willing to allow God to unite us from the inside, out.

God created this beautiful, wonderful, messy thing called marriage. He wants our marriage to thrive even more than we do. Is marriage always easy? No. But with the help of these three simple phrases, it can be a whole lot easier. It can be like God intended.

About The Author:

Donna Jones is a national speaker who travels from coast to coast helping women find and follow God in real, everyday life. She's the author of Seek: A Woman's Guide to Meeting God, Taming Your Family Zoo and Raising Kids with Good Manners.

by Dr. David B. Hawkins

We've all been there, done that. We've had a marital meltdown that left us woozy and wondering what our next step would be. I've written about this before, but felt compelled to write about it again since it is such a pertinent issue.

I certainly wish it weren't such an issue. I wish all of us experienced day in, day out marital bliss. I wish the wild-eyed, early days of courting would last forever. But, alas, they do not.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not about to give you the "Passionate Love Can't Last Forever" speech. I actually believe passionate love can last forever. I believe love can grow deeper, stronger, even more passionate with every passing year. But, I digress.

Sandy and Thomas came to The Marriage Recovery Center much like other couples seeking assistance. Bearing down on 40 years of age and 20 years of marriage, they were the stereotypical couple seeking my help. They were reasonably settled financially, had a solid faith background, a nice home and three children of whom they were proud.

"But, when we melt down," Thomas said, "we have a hard time getting back up. We don't melt down that often, but when we do, it lasts for days."

I asked for more information, wanting to focus at this point on how they handled the post-meltdown blues.

"Tell me not only what happens leading up to the meltdown, but how you handle the meltdown once it has occurred."

"We don't do anything," Sandy said. "We avoid each other and wait a few days to begin talking again."

"Well," I continued, "you actually do do something. You wait, avoid each other and I presume you harbor grudges?"

"Oh yes," Thomas said. "We sure do harbor grudges. At least I know I do."

"So, we've got to change this pattern," I said. "We've got to change several things: avoiding each other, harboring grudges and failing to reset and make good contact with each other."

"That would be nice," they both said.

Here are a few additional ideas for resetting your marriage after you've had a marital meltdown:

First, anticipate the meltdown.

As much as I'd like to say you can avoid any meltdowns, it is unlikely. This doesn't mean you have to be pessimistic about your relationship, but rather practical in assuming you will have tough times.

Scripture tells us that in life we will have troubles. The Apostle John said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

Notice that John has an optimistic perspective - "take heart," he says. The Lord comes into our lives to give us both hope and peace.

Second, initiate contact to your mate.

Let your mate know you wish to have a connection with them. Reach out to them. Even if you are initially rebuffed, don't let that deter you from doing your part to make positive contact. Again, be the first to reach out.

Third, take responsibility for your part in the meltdown.

Humility is the great elixir for a healthy marriage. You simply cannot wait for your mate to make the first move or even to necessarily own "their stuff." They may and they may not. This, however, need not stop you from taking responsibility for your issues. Let the ownership start with you and notice the positive shift in emotional connection.

Fourth, renew your commitment of love.

After taking ownership of your part in the melt down, and making positive contact with them, let your mate know that you love them. There is little more important in reconnecting then letting your mate know they are loved. A warm hug (if accepted) or tender words are often enough to melt a cold heart.

Finally, discuss what you learned from the situation.

In order to avoid the recurrence of the meltdown, or to at least mitigate the severity of the next trouble, learn what there is to learn from the troubled situation. After the situation has settled and a bit of warmth has returned, arrange to sit down and talk about how to handle the situation different next time.

by Tony Perkins and FRC Senior Writers

Liberals have stuck to a pretty consistent strategy in dealing with American Christianity: If you repeat something often enough, people will start to believe it. With the media's help, they set out to convince the country that evangelicals were dying on the political vine. But, as so often happens, they were proven wrong on the biggest of stages when, in 2016, the church's "withering" influence proved to be anything but.

Since then, teams of researchers have been trying to get a read on the state of Christianity in America -- and what they've found might surprise you. After years of hearing the same dire predictions, even churchgoers probably assumed the country's faith had dwindled. Like us, you've seen the headlines about declining church attendance or the millennials' rejection of faith and just assumed the stories were true.

Not so fast, says Harvard University. Their latest study shows that U.S. Christianity isn't only alive, but growing. It's a surprising thing to swallow with the media's drumbeat of liberal bias, but powerful new statistics point to a resurgence of the faith culture the Left so easily dismisses. In a lengthy commentary by Glenn Stanton in the Federalist, he pours over the data and explains, "Not only did their examination find no support for this secularization in terms of actual practice and belief, the researchers proclaim that religion continues to enjoy 'persistent and exceptional intensity' in America. These researchers hold our nation 'remains an exceptional outlier and potential counter example to the secularization thesis.'"

Believe it or not, the authors of Harvard's report "found that the percentage of church-attending Americans relative to overall population is more than four times greater today than it was in 1776." In fact, Stanton points out, "The number of attendees has continued to rise each and every decade over our nation's history right up until the present day." Despite the hemorrhaging of mainline congregations, most analysts say the brunt of the losses are liberal churches. "When the so-called 'progressive' churches question the historicity of Jesus, deny the reality of sin, support abortion, ordain clergy in same-sex relationships and perform their marriages, people desiring real Christianity head elsewhere," Stanton reminds people. "Fact: evangelical churches gain five new congregants exiled from the liberal churches for every one they lose for any reason. They also do a better job of retaining believers from childhood to adulthood than do mainline churches."

In other words, Christianity is shifting -- not dying. The number of people who read their Bible, go to church weekly, pray regularly has been "steel-bar constant" for the last half-century. "Patently persistent," as Harvard calls it. It also happens to be in astounding contrast to other nations. "Attending services more than once a week continues to be twice as high among Americans compared to the next highest-attending industrial country, and three times higher than the average comparable nation." If the people who once practiced a lukewarm Christianity have found other ways to spend their Sunday mornings, it's probably no great loss to the cause of Christ and has zero effect on the culture.

"The United States 'clearly stands out as exceptional,' and this exceptionalism has not been decreasing over time. In fact, these scholars determine that the percentages of Americans who are the most vibrant and serious in their faith is actually increasing a bit, 'which is making the United States even more exceptional over time.'" Of course, part of the reason for this consistency is the number of children Bible-believing churches tend to have. Christian parents are outpacing the offspring of other populations, and that's helped to keep the fabric of faith alive.

Speaking of kids, what about the doom and gloom we keep hearing about millennials leaving the church? Is the next generation as lost as the media makes it out to be? Yes and no. One thing to keep in mind about Pew's research and others', Stanton cautions, is that a lot of these millennials who are "abandoning their faith" didn't have much to begin with. "Pew reports that of young adults who left their faith, only 11 percent said they had a strong faith in childhood while 89 percent said they came from a home that had a very weak faith in belief and practice." Questioning your beliefs, he points out, is also just part of the maturation process.

So the next time you hear that Christianity is "going the way of the Yellow Pages," don't buy it. Liberals only argue that to disparage and diminish you. Don't let them. As much as they'd like to believe otherwise -- and as long as there are Christians living out their faith every day -- faith is alive and well in America!

by John Stonestreet and G. Shane Morris, BreakPoint.org

Do you proclaim with the psalmist: "Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, Lord, among the nations" (Psalm 57:8)?

Do you climb out of bed each morning and sing with joy about God's unfailing love? (Psalm 59:16)

If not, (and for the record, I rarely do), maybe it's because we are among the one in three Americans who don't get enough sleep. Seriously.

Last year, the Centers for Disease Control declared a new public health crisis: sleep deprivation. Millions are failing night after night to get the recommended seven to nine hours of rest, putting them at increased risk for health problems from anxiety and depression to diabetes and heart disease.

By some estimates, widespread lack of sleep is costing American employers over $100 billion annually "in lost production, medical expenses, and sick leave." More in-depth research finds that twenty straight hours without sleep is the equivalent of being legally drunk. And sleep specialists are sounding the alarm that "drowsy driving" is just as deadly as drunk driving - and more common.

So what's behind this epidemic of sleep deprivation? Why are Americans these days so incapable of turning off the lights and going to bed? The answer is in our pockets.

A growing body of research demonstrates that the frequency of light produced by smart phones, laptops and tablets triggers the release of chemicals in our brains that tell us, "It's time to wake up! Its morning!"

The dreary glow of screens also drains our concentration and creativity. A study in the journal Social Psychology reported that even having a smart phone nearby degraded the quality of subjects' work and studies, because it reminded them of their online social circles.

So what do we do to counteract this perfect storm of sleep deprivation and tech addiction?

Writing at Motherboard, Kaleigh Rogers describes her radical solution: She banned screens from her home for a full month. No TV, computers, or smart phones. Cold turkey.

Unlike healthy eating and exercise - good habits that take weeks or months to make a difference - Rogers says her tech-free experiment yielded immediate and astonishing results.

The first few days were like a dream, she writes. "We'd come home, put on some music, cook dinner together, and then - unimaginably - we'd sit at the table and eat. After dinner, Stuart would play guitar while I read. Chores were done promptly and without hesitation. It was blissful."

Okay, that's all great. But BreakPoint isn't a self-help program. So what's all this got to do with a Christian worldview?

Well, let's go back to the beginning. God created day and He created night. A time to work, and a time to rest. The Sabbath, remember, begins in the evening, and we enter into an earthly rest in anticipation of resting eternally in God's presence.

Remember too that we're not pure spirits. We're embodied spirits. The state of our body affects the state of our spirit. It's why we avoid drunkenness and bodily immorality. It's why we try to stay fit.

It's no wonder then, as Kate Shellnutt writes at Christianity Today, that those who get quality sleep report feeling closer to God and having better faith lives overall.

And also, as Charles Spurgeon said, "God gives us sleep to remind us we are not Him." We have limits. He doesn't. We lie down at night trusting in God's care, open to Him speaking to us, trusting him to revive these earthen vessels of ours in the morning - ready once again to join with God in His work to restore all thing in Jesus.

Now I'm not saying give up your cell phone or Facebook (especially if you read BreakPoint on them). But I am saying don't let them deprive you of God's gift of sleep, and in turn all the personal interaction, productivity, creativity, and especially spiritual vitality that make us fully human as God intended.

About The Author:

What man is he that feareth the Lord? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose.

The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single thy whole body shall be full of light.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. -- Thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn turn to the left. -- I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt g I will guide thee with mine eye. Be ye not as the horse or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee. Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about. Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart.

O Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

Source: PSA. 25:12. Matt. 6:22. Psa. 119:105. ‑Isa. 30:21. ‑Psa. 32:8‑11. Jer. 10:23.

EVENING

When thou liest down, thou shall not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.

There arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full. And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety. -- He giveth his beloved sleep.

They stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep. -- Absent from the body, ... present with the Lord.

Source: PROV. 3:24. Mark. 4:37,38. Phi. 4:6,7. Psa. 4:8. ‑Psa. 127:2. Acts 7:59,60. -II Cor. 5:8.