General Weekly Features

III. General Weekly Features

Family Special: Four Lies About Anger

by Leslie Vernick

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper- it only leads to harm.
- Psalm 37:8

Anger is a normal part of being a human being but it can be a dangerous emotion and has the potential to wreck our relationships and our lives.

Here are the four most common lies about anger.

1. When I feel angry, I must let it all out.

Too much damage has been done to people we love by blurting out angry feelings in the moment of their greatest intensity. Doing this might provide some sort of relief but it is never beneficial to the hearer or the relationship. I liken it to vomiting. You do feel better getting it out, but vomit belongs in the toilet, not on another person.

Proverbs 12:18 says, Reckless words pierce like a sword and Proverbs 29:11 warns us that, "Only a fool gives full vent to his anger."

Better ways to get some relief from intense anger is to journal or pray your honest emotions to God. In the process, you might find some perspective on what to do with them and how to express them constructively.

2. Other people or provoking situations make me angry.

We all believe this lie at times. We say things like, "You make me so mad!" or "If you wouldn't have done that, then I wouldn't have reacted that way."

Difficult people or situations don't MAKE us angry, although they do tempt us. What really happens when we encounter these kinds of people is that they expose us. Jesus tells us, "It is out of the overflow of your heart, your mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45).

What comes up and out of your mouth when you are angry exposes what's in your heart. Often our heart is filled with self-centered lies or desires.

Start to listen to your internal self-talk when you feel angry. For example, "I can't believe this is happening to me" or "it's not fair, why me?" or "I need to teach him/her a lesson" or "they can't get away with this."

Instead of blaming others or the situation we're in, we can start to understand what the real problem is that's causing our anger to escalate. Our own thought life.

Then we can work to calm ourselves down (with different self talk and God's Word) instead of demanding that life always go our way or that everyone do what we want or make us feel better.

3. I'm entitled to use my anger to get what I want if what I want is a good thing.

Anger motivates us and helps us to speak up against wrong, as well as take action to fight against injustice and evil in our world. Because it is such a powerful force however, the apostle Paul warns us not to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Most of the time what we want is permeated with self-centered desires. We WANT our way. We want to be right. We want to be first, or catered to. We want our needs met. And we're angry because we're not getting what we want.

James 4:1 asks us what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among us? He says it comes because we're not getting what we want.

Part of spiritual maturity is to learn to accept that we don't always get what we want, even if what we want is a good thing. Living peaceably with other people involves realizing that what I want and what someone else might want may be very different. The Bible tells us not to merely look out for our own interests (what we want), but also the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4).

The truth is anger is a powerful emotion that deceives us into using it to demand our own way.

4. I have always had a bad temper and this is just the way I am. I can't change.

The good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he not only redeems us but he restores us. He changes us.

If you want to get a handle on your anger, anger is not the problem you must address. Your temper is a symptom of what's going on in your heart. If you gain self-control over your temper that's great, but the deeper problem that causes your anger is what needs to change.

Romans 8:5 says, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the spirit desires."

How we act and live flows from what is in our heart – what we desire or want the most. God wants to rearrange the desires of our heart so that we no longer want our own way the MOST, but rather we want to please him and love him and others.

When God changes our heart it's not that we never get angry, but we no longer want to use our anger as a weapon to demand our own way, prove our point or make sure everyone knows we're right. We don't want to hold onto grudges, nurse resentment or harbor bitterness in our heart. Instead we want to forgive and reconcile.

When Jesus changes our heart, instead of only wanting MY way, I want to look out for the interests of others because I care about them and therefore I hold my anger in check when I'm not getting what I want and weigh that with what other's might want or need.

How? I've had a change of heart and I no longer see myself as the most important person. I am no longer at the center of my life, Jesus is.

Becoming more and more like Jesus is not just trying to do the right thing, but wanting to do the right thing and then learning how.

James tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for a man's anger (or a woman's anger) does not produce the righteous life that God desires. (James1:19,20)

For more practical help to live a godly life, see my book, 'How to Live Right When Your Life Goes Wrong.' There is now available a companion study guide and leaders guide for group study.

Three Reasons the Church Must Start Talking about Domestic Violence

by Debra Fileta

He had been her doctor for over 25 years. He knew everything about her social history and her medical problems. In fact, he was not only her healthcare provider, but over the years, he had even become a friend.

This is why it caught him completely off-guard when she answered "Yes" to his question.

You see, he had just attended a medical training over the weekend about domestic violence. He had learned that it was much more prevalent than he'd actually realized. That week, he'd decided he would begin asking each and every one of his patients about their experience with domestic violence.

"Are you in a relationship where you are being physically hurt by your partner?"

"Yes," she answered. Her husband of 30 years had been physically abusing her.

He looked at her with surprise. "Darlene….why on earth didn't you ever tell me this before?"

She looked back at him and said, "You never asked."

Why the Silence?

The topic of domestic violence has gotten some attention in the media over the past few months. A few horrific stories have emerged, causing us as a society to take a step back and shed some light on this important topic. Medical staff are being trained, social workers are being equipped, and mental health workers are being reminded that this is an on-going issue in our society.

But what about the Church? Why is it that we've remained so quiet, with a "don't ask don't tell" mentality, when it comes to the issue of domestic violence?

There are some out there that think that maybe we expect too much of the Church at large. If we're defining the "Church" as an individual group or institution with a pastor and a congregation, then yes, I tend to agree with that statement. Pastors are trained in theology, not in medicine, finance, counseling, sex-ed, accounting, or the on-going list of pressure that society tends to put on them. They are not called to "fix all the world's problems" but rather, to point us to Jesus.

But when we define the Church as the body of believers at large, then the truth is we have tended to shy away from discussing certain topics and bringing important things into the light. Domestic violence is one of those things. We are called to be the ones raising our voices in our homes and in our communities, identifying injustice, and bringing hope and healing into dark places. So why is it that we stay so silent?

For one, I think many of us don't feel qualified. We don't think we know enough about this subject or that subject in order to begin the conversation. But what we don't realize is that you don't have to be an expert to be an influencer. You don't have to have all the answers, but you can still BE the answer.

We, Church, are called to be the conversation starters. God can use our passion for justice to start conversations that bring healing and hope. It doesn't take an expert; it only takes a willing heart. Someone who is willing to not only ask the hard questions and bring up the difficult subjects, but to also respond with grace and mercy.

Why We Need to Start The Conversation

As we tackle the issue of domestic violence, we have to realize that we can shed light on dark places by using our words. When we bring these things into the light, they begin losing their power in our lives, in our churches, and in our communities. Here are some reasons why we as a Church need to talk more about domestic violence:

1. Because it exists inside the walls of our Church.

Oftentimes when we hear this topic being discussed in the news, we see it as an issue outside of ourselves. We assume that only people who are "far away" from God are dealing with these kinds of toxic relationships. As a professional counselor, I am here to tell you that that is not at all the case. I have worked with many believers who find themselves struggling within the walls of an abusive relationship, feeling like they have nowhere to turn. Not only that, but the stigma that comes with "divorce" and "separation" within the Church, actually keep them in these unhealthy and dangerous relationships. Domestic violence knows no limits, and impacts people both inside and outside the walls of the Church. We need to stop assuming and instead start asking. Because like Darlene reminded us at the beginning of this story, we may never know if we never ask.

2. Because it's a problem that only grows in silence.

Like many sins and negative behaviors, domestic violence is a problem that grows in silence. Because of the nature of the violent relationship, it tends to take place behind closed doors, fueled by the silence and isolation. By not starting these conversations, we are allowing the toxic cycle to continue, essentially saying that we don't believe these relationships exist. What we need to do instead is to call it into the light, removing the stigma and shame that comes with it by encouraging men and women who are battling these kinds of relationships to come forward and seek healing, hope, and restoration. We have to break the silence in order to make room for the sound of healing.

3. Because healing is needed on both sides of the equation.

One thing we have to remember in this important conversation is that it's not a one-sided problem. As much as we grieve with those being abused, we have to remember that there is healing that needs to take place on both sides of the relationship. Not only do we need to speak into the lives of those who are being hurt by domestic violence, but we also need to call forward those who are doing the hurting. We often neglect this side of the equation as we focus on the victim. But one thing we need to remember is that anyone who is trapped in a sinful cycle of abusive interactions toward another person is also in need of healing and hope, because like they say, "hurt people, hurt people." As we begin having this conversation, let us be sure to go into it without judgment, but rather, to make room for healing on both sides of the relationship.

I'm proud to be a part of a body of believers who is starting to shed light on some otherwise dark topics. My challenge to you, to myself, and to the church at large is that we take up our calling to be a voice for the voiceless and strength for the the powerless. May we be the ones to start these hard conversations within and ask these difficult questions within our homes, our families, our churches and our communities. Because we will never know, until we ask.

About The Author:

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book 'True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life', where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. She's also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog.

Source: Christianity.com Daily Update

Inspiration: Words Create Worlds

by John O'Leary

"Words create worlds." - Don Eggleston

The words we hear can profoundly influence our lives.

During a recent visit with a friend I was reminded of this truth. For better or worse, words shape who we are, how we feel, what we do and how we impact those around us. Let me explain.

Koran Bolden grew up without a father, but not without a father-figure.

His older brother, Anthony, did his best to fill that massive responsibility. Although the family lived in an impoverished community, Anthony's drive to do better, graduate, find work and make something of his life inspired his little brother to strive similarly.

That all changed one evening. Awakened by a knock at the door, Koran got out of bed. He walked to the top of the steps and listened to the erupting chaos below. Although just eight, Koran knew his life would never again be the same when he heard his mother cry out:

"He's gone!"

Little Koran could not cope with the grief, sadness and anger of his brother's murder. It was an inflection point that prompted a downward slide. Although never before in trouble, Koran began making bad decisions, hanging with the wrong people and struggling mightily in school. Several teachers spoke openly about him using words that stung and he began to believe them to be true:

"…a lost cause."

Koran longed for someone to encourage him to be who he could be, instead of repeatedly telling him who he wasn't. The visionary Koran hoped for arrived as a school counselor named Martha Christmas. She assisted him with schoolwork, reassured him he could do it and told him repeatedly that she believed in him. She then shared words he credits with rooting all of her efforts; words that still fuel him today:

"I can't change your past, but I can help change your future."

A seemingly simple sentence that reminded him that his past no longer needed to define his future.

The spark in his eyes and possibility for life returned. He graduated from high school, thrived in writing and was presented an opportunity to leave home, move to California and begin producing music. Although he'd just become a father himself, Koran planned to leave his child and pursue the opportunity, until his mother sat him down, looked him in the eyes and spoke firmly to him:

"Break the cycle, Koran. Be the man for your son your dad wasn't for you."

Koran heeded his mother's advice. He declined the record deal, stayed home with his child, got a job and worked hard. Eight years ago he was married; they've since had two more children and enjoy a wonderful life.

Koran's passion today is empowering kids in schools to embrace the possibility of their lives; to believe that their past doesn't define their future.

My friends, the words we speak to others shape the world in which they live. What we say – and how we say it – matters in our conversations with family, coworkers and strangers. As importantly, the words we speak to ourselves create the world in which we live, too.

Words do create worlds.

Today, strive to be an agent of possibility shining in a marketplace of negativity. Choose to create a world that reminds others that the best is yet to come.

This is your day. Live Inspired.

John O'Leary
www.johnolearyinspires.com

Six Costs of Real Friendships

by Jen Thorn

While doing a study on accountability I came across a few articles about the seriousness of friendship, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

We tend to use the word "friend" quite carelessly. Any person we have a few conversations with, work with, or "like" on Facebook we call "friend." This is not necessarily bad, but through it, I believe, we are losing the real meaning of Biblical friendship.

"To become another's friend in the true sense - is to take the other into such close, living fellowship, that his life and ours are knit together as one. It is far more than a pleasant companionship in bright, sunny hours. A genuine friendship - is entirely unselfish. It seeks no benefit or good of its own. It does not love - for what it may receive - but for what it may give. Its aim is "not to be served - but to serve" (Mark 10:45)." J.R. Miller

Do you know how your "friends" are doing? How their hearts are? The spiritual condition of their soul? If we have no idea how our "friend" is doing in their walk with God, what difficult times they are going through, or the sins they struggling with, we have a superficial acquaintance, not a friendship. Maybe friendships are in low supply these days because of the cost of being a friend. Let's take a moment to count the cost of friendship.

1. It costs personal convenience

We often think of friendship as hanging out and having fun. And that's a part of it. But the test of our love comes when our friend wants to do something, or needs something from us, that is not so fun. This is when we must be willing to put our personal preferences aside and value others as more important than ourselves (Phil. 2:3). Maybe they are going through a hard season and they need us to listen. Perhaps they need a favor that we find difficult to do. Friendship can be a personal inconvenience, but when we call someone friend we are agreeing, as Miller says, to partner with them in life, "for better or for worse".

2. It costs time

We are made for community. God clearly stated that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18). This was true before the fall and it is even more true today. But companionship takes time. You cannot expect a truly meaningful friendship without putting in the time. I tend to be a homebody so this is something that I am convicted of and need to work on. But unless two or more are actually together it is hard to know and serve one another. Even when friends maintain a long-distance friendship, it has typically been built on a lengthy period of investment in one another's lives.

3. It costs intimacy

What drew you to your friend? Was it their humor or cleverness? Did you admire their creativity and love for family? Maybe you were attracted to their kindness and service, or their organizational skills, or some other common interest. At first we only see the good sides of our friends. But if this is all we see then we will have a very shallow friendship. Everyone has a dark side. Sin is the great equalizer and our common enemy. Friendship is designed for growth in godliness and this means helping each other identify and fight sin together (Eccl. 4:9-12). But to do this you need to know their heart and they need to know yours. There needs to be a willingness to open up our lives and hearts and let others see in. We need to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Intimacy must be a part of friendships, and it has to go both ways.

4. It costs comfort

Friendship is easy and fun when it is filled with laughter and everyone is sipping lattes and getting along, but what happens when storms roll into this friendship? What are we to do when we disagree? How should we handle harsh words that were thoughtlessly spoken? Feeling hurt is a natural response and so is the temptation to turn bitter and walk way. This is the easy and selfish response. True friendship on the other hand forgives and seeks restoration and moves forward together. This is probably the most difficult part of being a true friend.

It is a sacred thing, therefore, to take a new friend into our lives. We accept a solemn responsibility when we do so. We do not know what burdens we may be assuming, what sacrifices we may, unconsciously, be pledging ourselves to make, what sorrows may come to us through the one to whom we are opening our heart. We should choose our friends, therefore, thoughtfully, wisely, prayerfully - but when we have pledged our love, we should be faithful, whatever the cost may be!"
J.R. Miller

5. It costs prayer

Friends pray for each other. If you do not pray for them you are not a true friend. A hard word, isn't it? Prayer is one of the means by which God acts. How can we not lift the people we say we love up in prayer, interceding on their behalf for healing, wisdom, provision and holiness? Real friends don't just pray for each other, but they do so frequently. They understand each other's needs and then boldly approach the throne of Grace and plead for each other.

6. It costs love

Sin will make itself known the more time we spend with our friends. It will come out in our lives and in theirs. No matter what ugliness we find in our friends we must continue to love. We will, at times, find them to be inconsiderate and weak - just as they will sometimes find us. Sometimes unkindness and selfishness will emerge. When God calls us to befriend one another he calls us to love and forgive each other in the midst of sin committed against each other. This price is so high that we cannot pay it on our own. We need Christ's power in us to do it.

"As He loves us - He would have us love others. We say men are not worthy of such friendships. True, they are not. Neither are we worthy of Christ's wondrous love for us. But Christ loves us - not according to our worthiness - but according to the riches of His own loving heart! So should it be with our giving of friendship - not as the person deserves - but after the measure of our own character."-J.R. Miller

Friendship is costly, but it is worth it. Friendship is a gift of God that he has first modeled for us in the gospel.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."
John 15:13

Jesus, the friend of sinners, died for us that we might become the friends of God. It is only as we learn from our Savior that we can discover and develop true friendships.

About The Author:

Jen Thorn loves studying theology, reading the Puritans, and has a passion for all things chocolate. Jen has 4 children and blogs at jenthorn.com as well as lovegodgreatly.com. Follow her on Twitter@jenlthorn or on Facebook: Jen Thorn

Source: Christianity.com

Just Keep Moving -
It Is Not About Winning - It Is About Growing

by Suzie Eller

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."
- 2 Corinthians 10:4 (NIV)

It's not unusual for my son, Ryan, to call me on a Saturday morning and say something like, "Hey mom, I just ran 13 miles! What are you doing?"

"Well, I just ate breakfast. I plan to brush my teeth in a few minutes. Oh yeah, I brushed my hair."

But 13 miles? Umm, no.

Then my husband started running. He'd come through the door, soaked in sweat, breathing as if there weren't enough air in the room. Before long he was running a couple of miles. Then he started running 5K's and eventually half-marathons. One morning I walked outside in my running shoes and coordinated running outfit.

If they could do it, so could I.

I took off, feet pounding the pavement. It felt great at first, but not too much later my chest constricted. My legs felt like they weighed 1,000 pounds. I started marking out goals.

If I can make it to the next mailbox.

If I can make it to the stop sign.

Finally, I sat on the curb in an attempt to catch my breath. I had barely run a mile.

I walked home and put my running shoes in the closet. This running thing was for someone else. Not me.

Later, I learned the first mile is often the hardest, even for accomplished runners. You are finding your stride. Your lungs and heart and legs are moving into new territory from sedentary to active.

I gave up too soon. I was too hard on myself.

In today's key verse, the apostle Paul finds himself in a unique situation. He wrote powerful letters to the church, but when he arrived in person the people weren't that impressed. Some said he was too timid (2 Corinthians 10:1). Others believed his speaking wasn't that great (2 Corinthians 10:10).

Paul could have turned around and given up.

But he didn't. It wasn't about how great a speaker he was or how inspiring he might be in person. He had been given authority in Jesus' name to overcome whatever had a strong hold on his life.

All that was required of him was to keep running. The results would come through the power of Christ.

Years ago I started the process of healing emotionally. I was a mess inside. That first "mile" in the healing process was hard.

I was breaking old patterns of behavior. I was pushing through feelings. I was learning who I was separate from the past. There were many times that I was unimpressive. If I had based success on my performance alone, I might have given up.

I'm glad I didn't because God was demolishing things that had controlled me with every step I took.

There was no speed limit. If I stopped to take a breather, He gave me rest in those places. If I didn't have all the answers, He showed me the next step. All that was required of me was to keep going. His divine power was working in me every step of the way.

Maybe you've started the healing process and it seems hard. Or perhaps you tried it once and it didn't work, so you gave up.

Put your shoes back on, sister. Your Heavenly Father wants to bring you freedom too, and He promises to be in the race with you.

Recently I started running again. I might never run 13 miles before breakfast, but I'm celebrating the fact that the shoes are on my feet and I'm moving forward, wherever that takes me.

Heavenly Father, I'm putting my shoes on. I'll celebrate every step forward and run toward the finish line with my arms in the air praising You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"
- 2 Corinthians 12:9a (NIV)

RELATED RESOURCES:

If you're looking to move forward and find healing for your deepest hurts Suzie Eller's book, 'The Mended Heart: God's Healing for Your Broken Places', might be helpful for you.

REFLECT AND RESPOND:

There are three rules every runner should know:

1) Run at your own pace.
2) Watch your step.
3) Just run.

1) When healing emotionally or spiritually, let God do His work fully, even if it takes more time than you want.

2) If things trip you up in the healing process, be honest with yourself and stay away from them.

3) It's not about winning. It's about growing. Just keep going.