by Dr. James Dobson

"There is a time for everything… a time to be silent and a time to speak."
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7

I still remember the day, just two weeks before Shirley and I were married, when we proudly drove off a used car lot in the gleaming white 1957 Ford sedan I had just purchased. Five blocks down the road, to celebrate this historic event, I leaned over to give Shirley a quick kiss.

It wasn't quick enough! At that instant two cars in front of us made an unexpected stop. I crashed into the first and knocked it into a second. The front of my gorgeous car crumpled like an accordion. Fortunately, there were no injuries, except to my pride.

Because of this stupid mistake, I couldn't afford to buy Shirley a wedding ring with even a small diamond, and the car we had dreamed of buying for so long was severely damaged. Yet Shirley never let the accident tarnish the romantic aura of our early days together. I never heard a word of criticism about it, and on our first anniversary, I bought her the diamond ring. Forty years later, Shirley still hasn't complained about my bad driving!

We urge you to think before you say hurtful and unkind words that will burn in the memory of your spouse for many years. Protect your romantic relationship, even when criticism seems justified. Your love for each other is a precious and fragile flower. Treat it that way.

Just between us…

Do we actively protect the element of romance in our marriage?
Are we wise enough to know when it is "time to be silent"?
When life's misfortunes strike, is there still a feeling of romance between us?

Lord, You ask us to keep our marriage partner's interests uppermost in our minds, but sometimes this doesn't come naturally. Help us to be more thoughtful, giving, and forgiving in how we tend each other's hearts. Amen.

by Dr. David B. Hawkins

Resentment can be a very informative emotion. Resentment tells us about our core expectations, and can also enlighten us as to what is taking place, and what isn't, in our relationships.

I receive many emails from women who are resentful of their husbands for giving too little. Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Anger, talks about women who are "overfunctioners." In fact, she notes that women overfunction "with a vengeance while complaining all the way."

I see this pattern occurring in many marriages: women who complain about how much they have to do, while enabling men to be emotionally, spiritually and sometimes even physically absent. The problem is that women unintentionally reinforce this pattern of men being emotionally absent while growing increasingly resentful.

Consider this recent email from an angry woman.

Question:

Dear Dr. David. I am hoping you can advise me on my marriage. My husband is thirty and I am twenty-seven. We have been together for five years and married for almost four.

My main problem is that my husband is very irresponsible. I saw this pattern beginning when we were dating but thought things would change when we got married. I have always been the one to work while my husband is in and out of jobs. He promises to go to work, but ends up hanging out with friends, relaxing and avoiding finding a job. Every day he has a new excuse for not working.

I have always done well at work. Because I work hard, I'm given promotions. I've always done well, graduating from college near the top of my class. My husband barely made it through college and has not held a full-time job since graduating.

I have always taken my role as a wife very seriously. While I focus on my marriage, my husband focuses on himself. I was all about being the best wife every day and he was completely interested in himself. I did everything that needed done, working full time, cooking, cleaning, cars, bills, etc.. he did nothing. I would ask him to help but it never happened.

I'm not sure what to do now. He has excuses for everything, and I carry the responsibility for our income, paying the bills and caring for our home and two children. How can I get my husband to take more responsibility in our home?

Answer:

First, there is no excuse for your husband's irresponsibility. He must be held responsible for his role as a provider for the family. Your note indicates a severe problem with immaturity on his part, which suggests a character issue as opposed to a temporary, situational problem.

Second, you must make it clear that this irresponsibility will not be tolerated. This is a message to give to him clearly, calmly and with conviction. You will be setting a boundary, one that you must indicate he cannot violate. Scripture makes it clear that such irresponsibility is a form of unfaithfulness and cannot exist in a marriage.

When you tell him that he must carry his load in this marriage, you will need to be specific about what that means. Your conversation will need to include discussion of finances, care for the children as well as tasks around the house. Your marriage needs to be transformed, from responsible/ irresponsible to mutually responsible.

Your husband must turn his attention away from himself and his selfish pursuits to that of the marriage. As Eugene Peterson says, "Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention." (I Corinthians 7: 33-34)

Third, you must guard against what Harriet Lerner calls an "overfunctioner." You may have chosen to be with someone who under-functions in part because of this tendency on your part. It is critical that you explore your motives to ensure that you are willing to give up some of the responsibility you attract. As you let go of responsibility there may be times when you live with uncertainty. When you let go, will he pick up? When you cut back, will he step up to accept responsibility? When you set a boundary, will you back it up?

In my book 'When Pleasing Others is Hurting You' I explain how healthy marriages are built, in large part, on mutual respect. That seems to be lacking in your marriage and other marriages where irresponsibility is paramount. Love cannot thrive where there is irresponsibility. I encourage you to take a tough stand, make firm agreements and then hold one another accountable for those agreements. This is a path for a marriage free from resentment.

About The Author:

Dr. David Hawkins is the director of the Marriage Recovery Center where he counsels couples in distress. He is the author of over 30 books, including Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life, 90 Days to a Fantastic Marriage, and When Pleasing Others is Hurting You.

by Glynnis Whitwer

"We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies."
- 2 Thessalonians 3:11 (NIV)

Busy and I have a complicated relationship.

There were years when I was too busy. Fast-forward was my mode of operation, and my family got lost in the wake. Looking back, I regret many decisions that kept us all on the go!

After a near meltdown, things had to be different. I made significant changes to balance my schedule. I stepped out of volunteer positions, cut back my hours at work and learned to honor the Sabbath. I still kept a productive pace, but this time it was healthier. Yet when people commented on how much I got done, there was this bit of shame that crept into my heart.

Were their observations innocent or a veiled suggestion, with a hint of disapproval, that I still work too much? Why did I still feel so guilty about my level of work? Was being busy bad?

In my search to understand the truth about busyness, God led me to our key verse for today from 2 Thessalonians 3:11: "We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies."

This chapter as a whole shines a completely different light on being busy. It elevates it. Here's what Paul (the author of 2 Thessalonians) says just before our key verse: "We were not idle when we were with you … We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate" (2 Thessalonians 3:7b, 9, NIV).

So if busy isn't the real problem, what is? In this passage, we get a hint at a potential problem: being a"busybody."

Busybodies can look busy, but in reality they are busy with things that don't concern them. As a result, they neglect the work they should be doing.

This truth cut right to my heart. When I take on responsibilities that aren't mine to assume, I'm ineffective in what Iam called to do. As a result, my schedule gets chaotic, and the people I love suffer from my too-busy life.

Here's another truth. The Bible doesn't say we need to be busy all the time. We need God's wisdom to know when to work and when to stop. Jesus modeled rest as well as hard work. He knew when to draw away from the crowds, from ministry, from work and press pause in the middle of the day. Jesus also modeled honoring the Sabbath as a complete day of rest and honor to God.

The Bible shows us how to be busy in a healthy way. We can learn to care for our priorities and not take on those assigned to others. We are not slaves to being over busy. We can trust God to help us get our work done in six days so we can honor His command to rest.

When I realized my life was out of my control, it took time to rein it back in. There was plenty of time in prayer asking God to show me my best choices, my priorities, my work. It was a yearlong process of stepping out of wrong commitments and recommitting to right ones.

For me that meant cutting out evening activities and nighttime phone calls so I could be available for my family. It meant saying no to responsibilities I'd done for years, but consistently added stress, like singing on the worship team Sunday mornings. It meant working at home so I had flexible hours.

Getting control of our schedules isn't always easy, but it is possible. I'm still learning to rest, and I still struggle with keeping my schedule in balance. The good news is God is faithful to help define my priorities for this season. Now I'm not ashamed of being busy in the right times with a focus on the right things.

Father, thank You for showing me that I'm wired to work in the exact way You planned. Help me guard that wiring and not take on more than I should. I want to be a woman who lives Your priorities for my life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:

Titus 2:4-5, "Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." (NIV)

REFLECT AND RESPOND:

Do you feel too busy? Consider if you are involved in anything that is not your responsibility.

What are some of the dangers of being idle or a busybody?

© 2015 by Glynnis Whitwer. All rights reserved.