by: Dr. Rich Nicastro

Q: I need some relationship help. While I love my husband with all my heart, sometimes it's just so frustrating being married to him. When I feel that he's ignoring me, I get so upset, and he's usually surprised by the intensity of my reaction. Why do I get so upset with him? ~Lynn, Carlsbad CA

A: Thanks for the question, Lynn. Here are some thoughts that might help shed light on your experience:

It is extremely distressing to feel as if your words and actions have no impact (or no longer matter) to your spouse/partner—to think that someone whom you love deeply is no longer engaged fully in the relationship or interested in what's important to you can be extremely painful.

When you feel like your spouse/partner is not being responsive to you (and to your needs), two outcomes become likely:

1. Initially, you may "up the ante" in order to have some kind of impact on your spouse/partner-- this might involve yelling, becoming more provocative, elevating your emotional responses, acting in ways that are uncharacteristic for you (in attachment literature these types of reactions are called "protest" behaviors—your protests are a reflection of losing something extremely important to you; this can be the love of your partner, the security of your relationship, or both).

Is it fair to say that at some point most of us would react negatively (protest) if we perceived our spouse/partner to be unavailable and unresponsive to our needs?

2. When you feel ignored for extended periods of time, your sense of despair can turn into feelings of hopelessness—you give up on trying to engage your spouse/partner and begin to retreat (this is a self-protective behavior—in essence, you're cutting your loses). This may take the form of indifference, withdrawal behaviors, and disengaging from the relationship in general (and the responsibilities that are a part of the relationship).

Typically a protest reaction isn't random: Protest behaviors (getting really upset when your partner isn't responding in predictable ways that make you feel secure in the relationship) occur in a particular context; and the triggering event is usually feeling anxious about losing the security of your relationship.

Relationship Help: Let's break down this reaction:

An unresponsive/disengaged/uninterested partner =>

triggers increased anxiety and worry in the other partner, who then =>

attempts to reengage the unresponsive partner (for example, "We need to talk," or "What's wrong?") =>

and if the other partner is still not responsive, protest behaviors are triggered.

Your protest behaviors (whether your protest behaviors are perceived as nagging, pestering, yelling, or some kind of increased emotionality like anger) are in effect attempts to try and correct the problem—ideally it's an attention-grabbing reaction that will let your spouse know that something is wrong that needs fixing.

Think of protest behaviors as an alarm sounding in an effort to grab your partner's attention to what needs to be addressed.

Marital/relationship problems can arise when these temporary reactions (feeling one's spouse/partner is unconcerned and unresponsive) are not addressed and become ingrained patterns.

I hope this sheds some light on why you seem to get so upset with your spouse (or why we all get upset with our spouse/partner at times). Whenever we allow a loved one special access to our hearts, feeling ignored by this person is going to feel like a major deal.

About The Author

by Michael Josephson

More often than we like, most of us face choices that can have serious and lasting impact on our lives. Do we go along with the crowd? Do we tell someone off, quit a job, or end a relationship? Unfortunately, these decisions are not preceded by a drum roll warning us that the stakes are high. Even worse, we often don't have a lot of time to figure out what to do.

It's no surprise that most bad decisions - the ones that mess up our lives - are made impulsively or without sufficient reflection.

Ancient proverbs tell us to "count to ten when you're angry" or "think ahead." But anger and lack of preplanning are only two factors that can impede excellent decision making. Fatigue, fear, frustration, stress, impatience, and emotions also create obstacles to wise choices.

Just as we learned to look both ways before we cross the street, we can learn to analyze every important decision-making situation to allow us to arrive at conclusions that are both effective and ethical.

Each decision, therefore, should start with a stop - a forced moment of reflection to help us clarify our goal, evaluate the completeness and credibility of our information, and devise an alternate strategy, if necessary, to achieve the best possible result. Stopping also allows us to muster our moral willpower to overcome temptations and emotions that could lead to a rash, foolish, or ill-considered decision.

While it's great to have a day or two to sleep on a problem, or even a few hours, many situations don't afford us that luxury. But a pause of even a few seconds can often be enough.

Remember, character counts.

by Wes Hopper

"Moses had his illumination while tending sheep, not when he was being educated in the ways of the Egyptians. This is very significant! It was when he minded his own business and went out in the desert alone, and cleared his thoughts of upsetting things, that he got his illumination."
- Emmet Fox

The one thing that the different scriptures of the world's religions share is some amazing stories that show how well the authors understood human behavior. That's certainly true with today's story from the Hebrew traditions.

The lesson here is clear - in the midst of a busy life, with people and problems wanting our attention, it's very difficult to get meaningful work done, especially meaningful work on our selves. Moses didn't plan it that way, but when he got out of the palace and up in the hills, he found the time to work on himself.

That's why, for us today, retreats are so popular. We have scarcely a moment to ourselves in the big city, and some quiet time to just think seems like a genuine gift. Out of that can come some amazing insights into one's own self that might otherwise go undetected.

In the story, Moses came back a different man with a new assignment in life. I remember years ago coming back from a week in the woods knowing that I had to quit my job! Without knowing what to do next, either! But I did quit, and many wonderful things followed.

Not all retreats lead to massive life changes, but they do lead to change. A change of emphasis, a change of goals, a new sense of purpose, a sense of clarity. These are all very good things! We can also learn to better control our thoughts to keep our mind from overwhelming us.

In metaphysical teachings, sheep represent thoughts, because sheep tend to wander off on their own and individually they're not too bright. But we can control them by knowing and using our purpose, a form of mental sheepdog, to keep them in line!