by Lee Wilson

For years now I've felt there was a disconnect between the well-meaning reactions of church members toward Christians affected by cancer and other diseases of similar dread.

My life has been affected greatly by cancer specifically and recently it has been again to even greater levels in my immediate family. Having been on both sides several times, I feel qualified to assemble this list of things that I feel Christians should and should not say to Christians affected by cancer. In some cases the point attempting to be made might be legit and fair, but simply is best unsaid to a person hurting due to this type of situation.

Here are the 5 Worst Things to Say to Cancer Patients or Their Family Members:

#5. "I pray God's will be done."

It was when someone said this to me that I decided I would put together this list. Though it might sound spiritual, this response sounds like an insensitive cop out. You really don't have to pray for God's will to be done you know. God's will is going to be done whether you ask him to do his will or not. I realize that Jesus prayed, "Your will be done," and I'm not discounting that phrase as a subject of prayer. But Jesus also mentioned specifics in his exemplary prayer. Remember him saying, "Give us this day our daily bread"? There were actually quite a few specifics to his prayer. "Your will be done" wasn't the entire prayer concerning a matter. And when my family member has been diagnosed with cancer (or something else), I'm honestly and truly hoping that God's will is to heal him/her. In fact, I'm leaning on God and begging for that to happen. So even if you personally pray for "God's will to be done," maybe just say, "I'm praying for you and [the sick person]. And I'm thinking of you as well."

#4. "God's got this."

This is a trendy line to toss around these days. But don't say it. Because what if the treatments don't work? Or what if…well am I to assume that God didn't "have it" after all? I know that God can heal. And I know that he has before so I'm hoping that he will. But he doesn't every time. That's a fine looking high horse of faith you're on, but are you saying that God is definitely going to heal in this situation? If so, how can you know that? You're on shaky ground my friend, especially when you're dealing with someone who is in a fragile emotional state.

#3. "Remember, it's appointed unto man once to die."

This has been said to me concerning a loved one. Yes, it's true that humans were "appointed" to die, but does it have to be now? Can't it wait? Please don't preach at me or use church talk. Just be human and try to empathize with this hurting, scared person. Remember, the Ten Commandments can be summarized fairly well by the saying, "Don't be a jerk."

#2. "You just gotta believe (or have faith)." or "All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed."

I've had faith the size of a mustard seed. I still attended the funeral. So was I not even able to muster up mustard-seed sized faith? Am I that sorry of a Christian? Everyone dies eventually and it's not because of lack of faith. One of my loved ones survives to this day and is doing well after cancer treatment. My faith was a lot less in that situation than it was on the previous several who passed away. It's not an exact science! Nor is it a spell that requires a pinch of faith. If we're being honest, it's actually pretty confusing at times. We live in a fallen world and though we escape it in the next life, in this one we sometimes suffer along with it. Most people, like me, have a memory of people they prayed for who died anyway, and in moments we don't like to admit we wonder if God is 0 and 5. So don't tell me what the "magic recipe" is that will have God wanting to heal my loved one (or me). Hold your tongue and tell me that you love me and are praying for me (and/or my loved one). Tell me you're bringing dinner tonight so that I don't have to worry about it. But don't tell me to "just believe" or "just have faith." Just don't.

#1. "God revealed to me that you (or the loved one) are going to be healed."

Someone said this to me once and my loved one was not healed. I'm just being honest in saying that too many people think they know the mind and intentions of God these days. Remember, even the disciples had to "cast lots" (basically like rolling dice) to determine who would replace Judas as a disciple because they didn't know God's will on the matter. These were men who walked and talked with Jesus directly and yet even they didn't get a direct message from God! The hurting person who hears such a statement is often left to recover from their false hope and are left to decide who lied to them. You or God? (Hint, it's not God) So maybe it's best to keep such a perceived revelation to yourself. There's a reason that so-called faith healers don't work in hospitals and it's the same reason that so-called psychics don't win lotteries. Consider the fact that you are a flawed human being who might be misinterpreting something as the voice of God when, in fact, it's not. It doesn't mean that God doesn't love you. It just means that you're an imperfect human and that maybe God doesn't feel the need to consult you beforehand on his decisions.

Job's wise friends were silent for several days after his tragedy. But they were there with/for him. Don't feel compelled to provide a spiritually deep statement. And don't give in to the temptation to show off your faith or your spiritual victories. Just don't. Your presence is more important than your words. So be there and be involved.

Here are some things you should/can do:

1. Bring a meal.

2. Pick up a child from school. Ask if you can babysit for an evening. Take their dog home for a few days.

3. Help with laundry (just call ahead and say, "Unless it's a bad time I'm coming to help you with your laundry"). If you really want to roll up your sleeves, clean their bathrooms while you're at it!

4. Go to the hospital and sit with their loved one so they can walk to the cafeteria and have a meal.

5. Send flowers. It shows you care and that you are thinking of them which means so much when you're going through this valley.

6. Ask if they need anything taken to the post office (and take it for them).

7. Offer to pick up their prescription.

8. Sneak a $20 bill in their pocket. Being sick is expensive.

9. Grab their keys and tell them you're just going to fill up their gas tank.

10. Offer to drive them to the next doctor's appointment (Sometimes family members are very worried, or even terrified, before certain appointments where results of scans or tests are going to be revealed and driving is something they'd rather not do).

About The Author:

Lee is an author and an in-demand Internet marketing consultant. His paranormal romance novel, "The Last Hybrid: Bloodline of Angels" was an Amazon bestseller. He co-authored "The True Heaven: Better Than You Expected" with Joe Beam.

Ingredients:

3 cups of diced up cooked leftover turkey (I used the breast)

1 medium onion, chopped

3 small cans red enchilada sauce

2 tablespoon Olive Oil

1 1/2 pounds of grated Mexican Cheese

Pam or vegetable Spray

Flour Tortillas (Get the really big ones – may be called Burritos)

Directions:

Put the Olive Oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until the onion is tender. Pour in 1 can of enchilada sauce, and add the turkey. Let this mixture sit. It doesn't need to cook.

Take a 9 X 12 inch dish with a one inch edge all the way around. Pour 1 can of enchilada sauce on the bottom of the dish.

Put a skillet on the front burner on medium heat. Spray the skillet with Pam/vegetable spray. Put the Tortilla in the skillet. Brown for 10 seconds. Spray the top side of the tortilla and flip. Brown the other side for 10 seconds. Remove from heat. Put about 3 spoons of the turkey mixture in the center of the tortilla and cover with 2 oz. of grated cheese. Roll the tortilla in the enchilada sauce in the bottom of the dish until the turkey mixture and cheese are completed encased by the tortilla. Keep the seam side down. Repeat this procedure until the pan is full. I was able to fit 7 filled tortillas in my dish. I then took the last can of enchilada sauce and poured it over the enchiladas. I put an additional 12 to 16 oz. of grated cheese on the top of the enchilada sauce.

Bake in a 350 degree F (175 deg C) oven for 25 minutes.

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at."
- 1 Samuel 16:7

The overemphasis on physical attractiveness in our society is frequently damaging to self-confidence. A case in point is the story of Peter Foster, a Royal Air Force pilot in World War II.

During an air battle, Foster was the victim of a terrible fire. He survived, but his face was burned beyond recognition. He spent many anxious moments in the hospital wondering if his family - and especially his fiancée - would still accept him. They did. His fiancée assured him that nothing had changed except a few millimeters of skin. Two years later they were married.

Foster said of his wife, "She became my mirror. She gave me a new image of myself. When I look at her, she gives me a warm, loving smile that tells me I’m okay."

That's the way marriage ought to work, too - it should be a mutual admiration society that overlooks a million flaws and builds the self-esteem of both partners. Let's become each other's mirrors, reflecting back love and affirmation every chance we get.

Just between us…

When was the last time I complimented you on your appearance?
Is our marriage a "mutual admiration society"?
Would you still love me if I became disfigured like Peter Foster?
What do you think the Lord sees in me?
How can I be a better "mirror" for you?

Lord Jesus, You came to bring Your presence and Your love to all - regardless of looks or ability, of health or condition. Thank You so much! May we reflect that same enthusiastic and unconditional love to each other in our marriage. Amen.

Behavioral Strategist Explains How Any Leader Can Responsibly Boost Their Visionary Side

Whether it's a presidential candidate, a corporate executive or an NFL coach, people admire a leader with vision.

They like someone with a clear idea of where he or she is headed, and who knows how to motivate others to accomplish the goal.

But as much as people might like to say someone is a "born visionary," in truth, vision is something we develop, not something we arrive in the world with, says Rob-Jan de Jong, a behavioral strategist and author of "Anticipate: The Art of Leading By Looking Ahead".

"One thing that visionaries have in common is that they have an ability to notice things early," de Jong says. "They recognize some sort of significant change is happening and they make use of the opportunities it presents."

Just identifying that a major change is afoot isn't enough, though, he says. The visionary needs to connect the dots into a coherent picture that takes into account future developments.

"That's easier said than done, but it's an ability leaders can develop if they are willing to work on it," de Jong says.

Growing a leader's visionary side therefore boils down to sharpening both the ability to notice things early and the ability to create coherence. In combination, the abilities suggest four archetypes of leaders.

• The Follower.

This is someone who is neither good at noticing things early, nor skilled at creating and communicating a coherent story from insights about what the future might bring. The follower may be an excellent manager, but don't expect this person to inspire others or drive innovation.

"Being a follower isn't necessarily a bad thing," de Jong says. "These people are often careful about their decisions and good at critical thinking, and in the short term that can work well. But their preoccupation with today keeps them from anticipating what comes next."

• The Trend Hopper.

On the upside, a trend hopper has a well-developed ability to see things early and is willing to embrace changing realities. These are people who are quick to adopt new technology and among the first to fantasize about how things can be different – even radically different– real soon, de Jong says.

On the downside, trend hoppers aren't adept at turning their early insights into a coherent story that justifies an active strategic pursuit. After seeing them chase several flavor-of-the-month ideas, other people start to tune them out.

• The Historian.

These leaders are adept at connecting the dots and spinning a story that makes sense. They cite patterns, facts and figures and make everything that's happened so far look coherent and intentional. "When you listen to them, it all makes sense," de Jong says. "But they have their eyes trained on the factually true past, not the imaginative uncertain future."

Certainly, it's valuable to have some historical perspective, he says, but you can't let history cripple your ability to engage the future. Historians also often are cynics, ready to explain why things are they way they are and why your unconventional idea won't work.

• The Visionary.

This is the one to strive to be. A visionary isn't quick to hop on every fad, but also isn't a naysayer about how things might be done differently. Instead, says de Jong, the visionary takes a mindful, future-oriented perspective, balancing the need for a compelling future with the awareness of the dangers of becoming dogmatic and overly optimistic. Visionaries are able to explain an imagined future in a way that fills people with energy and engages their imagination.

"A powerful vision isn't just nice to have," de Jong says. "It's the most important tool in the transformational leader's toolbox. A leader's personal imagination, inspiration and dedication are what will ignite the excitement in the people they lead."

About Rob-Jan de Jong