By Rev. Fr. Dr. Binoy Thattankunnel
St. Ephraim Knanaya Church, Detroit
St. Basil's Syriac Orthodox Church, Cleveland, Ohio

This article mainly deals with the Orthodox Church's understanding of the spirituality of marriage with an appraisal of Orthodox theology. In particular, it aims at exploring the Orthodox view of the sacramental nature of sexuality for an intimate and sanctified marital relationship, and how a sound theology of marriage and sexuality can come to their assistance in this regard. This is, moreover, an appraisal of the position of the Church in relation to sex and sexuality within marriage.

Marriage: An Orthodox Perspective

From an orthodox perspective, marriage is not only a bond between one man and one woman for the purpose of bearing and rearing children but also for their oneness and holiness. Here the couple enters into marriage by attending and receiving Holy Communion together and being blessed by the clergy with a beautiful liturgy in which God was asked to bless and unite them together in a lifelong bond. When we come to the Christian marriage, first of all, it is considered to be a vocation. A vocation generally implies regular or appropriate occupation or calling. Theologically vocation means a call or invitation given by God to the Christian life or to some particular service or state. Earlier the call to priesthood and religious life was considered to be vocation, but now vocation includes the call to Christian ministry in general and also to the state of marriage in particular. Marriage is a call, with procreation and looking after of children as its responsibility, and with unity, oneness, holiness and sanctification as its properties. Since marriage is a vocation, this vocation can be lived only with the grace of God. Jesus raised marriage to the state of a sacrament by bestowing His blessing and graces abundantly upon those who are called to this vocation. Dr. Philip Mamalakis presents marriage as a journey. It is a journey together, of getting to know each other, toward oneness, of learning to love with God's love, of being transformed, to heaven and finally to their salvation.

Marriage is a Sacrament and Mystery

In the Orthodox Church's understanding, marriage is not simply an agreement between two eligible persons from the opposite sex to share their lives but it is a Holy Sacrament because they are joined together as members of the Eucharistic Community sharing together the Body and Blood of Christ and receiving the grace of God for their union through the presence of clergy and the people of God. All Orthodox catechisms and textbooks define marriage as a sacrament or a ‘mystery' of the Church. In this regard John Meyendorff, a contemporary Orthodox theologian, comments:

The very notion of marriage as a sacrament presupposes that man is not only a being with physiological, psychological and social functions, but that he is a citizen of God's Kingdom, i.e., that his entire life – and especially its most decisive moments – involves eternal values and God Himself.

Here the partners are transformed by love and enter into an eternal bond with God. It is moreover a relationship in which the partners work out their salvation together. "Holy Matrimony is a mystery of the Church in which the man and woman work out their salvation in love and submission, serving as a living icon of Christ's relationship with the Church." Orthodox catechism teaches the following:

Marriage in the Orthodox Church is forever. It is not reduced to an exchange of vows or the establishment of a legal contract between the bride and groom. On the contrary, it is God joining a man and a woman into one flesh in a sense similar to the Church being joined to Christ (Ephesians 5:31, 32). The success of marriage cannot depend on mutual human promises, but on the promises and blessing of God. In the Orthodox marriage rite, the bride and groom offer their lives to Christ and to each other - literally as crowned martyrs.

There are two separate services in the Orthodox marriage liturgy, namely the service of rings (Betrothal or Engagement) and the service of crowning which proclaim the entire Orthodox teaching concerning marriage. By exchanging their rings each other, the couple expresses their self-offering readiness to each other which is essential for oneness and intimacy in their married life. The exchange of the rings symbolically expresses the self-offering of each spouse to the other and their mutual responsibility for one another. Through this sacrament of marriage, the couple receives the divine grace to take up the new task of their life and they are consecrated as "crowned martyrs". Here the crown symbolizes that the couple, in their union with Christ, participates in God's kingship and also symbolizes their participation in Christ's self-sacrificing love. The word "martyr" means witness. As crowned martyrs, husband and wife are called to giving up their own way and their own desires and living out and bearing witness to the self- sacrificing love of God in their own life to each other and in the society where they live. So marriage stands for the union of two human beings in God.

The Orthodox Church teaches that with His presence and first miracle at the wedding ceremony in Cana of Galilee Jesus Christ blessed and sanctified marriage. Marriage is a sacrament in the sense that it reflects our savior Jesus' life- giving love for the church and the church's love for Jesus. Jesus is the loving one and He is the Love that is the one who loves the whole universe unconditionally. Jesus has revealed God's love for us by His incarnation, public ministry, suffering, death and resurrection. His whole public ministry was a manifestation of God's love for us. Jesus loves us and at the same time He invites us to love one another. Within the bond of marriage, husband and wife experience a union with one another in love. They are not only confessing their love and commitment for one another during the marriage ceremony but carrying their love and care for each other throughout the ups and downs of their married life because they are married in Christ. The Orthodox spirituality regarding marriage is a vocation to a holy life by living and reflecting the love of Jesus in their day to day marital life. Alkiviadis C.Calivas says:

"The sacrament of marriage celebrates both the restoration of the conjugal union to its original order as well as its integration again into the realm of grace. The sacrament reveals to the couple the dynamic dimensions of mutuality, the loveliness of human sexuality, and the nobleness of procreation, Always in union with God, the husband and wife are graced to act together to heal and overcome the impotence of impaired masculinity and femininity, and thus rediscover and fulfill the original wholeness and communion of nuptial life."

Jesus Christ raised the covenantal level of marriage into the level of a sacrament which enables the partners to sanctify each other in such a way that their union becomes a living symbol of Christ's self-giving love for His Church. His selfless love made Him to sacrifice Himself for the welfare of human beings. In family life, husband and wife are enabled by Christ to make a similar offering of themselves for their spouses' and children's wellbeing.

According to an orthodox theologian, Nicolas Zernov, "The sacrament of marriage is known under the name of ‘Crowning' in the Orthodox Church. This is a solemn blessing by the Church of a man and a woman, with the intention that their new life together may be one of unity and concord." This conjugal unity has been compared to Christ's union with His Church and it is binding forever. Nicolas Zernov says again that "The solemnity of the marriage service emphasizes the sacredness of the union between man and woman and the connection between the mystery of human love and the love which God has for His creation." So through marriage man and woman enter into a very close relationship, and it is never dissolved. The presence of God sanctifies the marital relationship of a couple because Christ comes to the couple's life through the sacrament of marriage. This union has different purposes based on the teachings and faith of the Church.

Purpose of Marriage

Orthodox theology defines marriage as "the unity of two persons in one being, a single substance" or "the union in one body and one soul, but in two persons" . This union is reflected in the Triune God, one and at the same time Triune. In the same way the married couples are united and become one in God. As in the creation account God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner" (Gen. 2:18.). The partner was created from man, and Adam said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called women, for out of Man this one was taken." (Gen. 2:23). This nuptial union makes the husband and wife one body. Marriage, therefore, is "the union of two persons, male and female, into a communion of unconditional love for their mutual companionship and for their personal fulfillment, completion, and perfection in Christ." Their Christ centered (Christo-centric) life helps the couple to grow together in the likeness of God (holiness) in and through the graceful unity of their body, mind and soul. As Theophilus of Antioch observes, "God made the women together with the man, not only that thus the mystery of God's sole government might be exhibited, but also that this mutual affection might be greater." Thus the nuptial love of humankind necessarily involves the love and image of God.

St. John Chrysostom teaches, "When husband and wife are united in marriage, they are no longer seen as something earthly, but as the image of God Himself. So we can see a living icon of God in marriage, a ‘theophany' " . So the husband and wife are seen as the image of God on earth and it is the responsibility of each partner to maintain that image in their lives. It moreover brings in the idea of mutual responsibility and co-creativity between husband and wife. Following are some of the purposes of marriage.

The Orthodox marriage service portrays the relationship between husband and wife with symbolic representation of the relationship between Christ and the Church. As Paul Evdokimov notes, "There is a definite order within the marriage relationship that serves as an icon of God's relationship to the world and of Christ's relationship to the Church." In this regard it is important to note the words of St. Paul, "For this cause, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church" (Eph. 5:31-32). This mutual submission clearly shows the equality and co-creativity of husband and wife in marriage.

During the time of joining the hands of the couple in the Orthodox marriage ceremony the man and the woman hold their right hands together, and the minister says: "Here from this moment I give unto each of you, to the care and protection of each other…" It shows that one is not above over the other but they are equal. Any kind of discrimination is the denial of the image of God and through which the iconic relationship in the marriage will be broken down. In the Genesis account God created man and woman with a mutually caring nature in order to grow together in oneness and holiness. The sexual differences between man and woman are the cause for the yearning to be one. This relationship is reflected in the Song of Songs, described in a romantic language, as the love of God to the people. This unbreakable relationship is highlighted in the marital relationship between husband and wife.

The Orthodox Theology of Marital Sexuality and its Essential Features

Today, Syriac Orthodox church faces enormous family problems and challenges irrespective of ages and situations in our community. Sexuality has often lost its real meaning and been degraded merely to a commodity. Too often only the biological dimension of sexuality is highlighted and is totally misinterpreted. Because of the South Indian religious and cultural influence, people keep a certain public silence and lack of appropriate language in discussion around sexuality. For example, most of the parents pretend not to be heard or redirect their attention when their kids ask questions regarding sexuality and also they do not use the right names and terms for sexual organs and sex related matters. Considering this cultural context, it is the responsibility of the church to create a strategy in order to prepare her members how to handle these issues and teach them about the church's sacramental view of sexuality, so that they may grow with a positive attitude and outlook and be a sexually integrated person. Syriac Orthodox priests can do a lot to help their parishioners in understanding the sacramental view of sexuality and marriage within an Orthodox framework. It is the responsibility of priests to find out the appropriate containers/spaces in order to build a bridge between the private and public discussion of sexuality in respecting both public and private boundaries and the integrity of people. Following are some essential theological features of orthodox marital sexuality.

Marriage and Oneness

For the Orthodox Church, "marriage is a journey towards oneness." It is a divine call to become one in heart, mind and body. Through marriage the couple grows closer toward one another becoming one flesh. Here oneness means: thinking in terms of we, rather than me, working together as a team, rather than on your own and working together through the differences, difficulties or disagreements. The purpose of Orthodox Christian marriage is to have a nuptial community in the family. Here the center thing is love that will transform the couple into one in body, mind and spirit and to live for each other. In marital life this love is expressed as erotic love. This can be obtained through establishing an intimate relationship between husband and wife. To develop intimacy between husband and wife within the framework of marriage is an essential task of the couple. In this regard bodily mutuality plays a central role in the marital intimacy. Here they express that "I belong to you and you belong to me". This mutuality can be communicated through the intimate relationship which they have mutually developed in their family atmosphere. Thus through marriage both man and women are entering into a deeper relationship. This is not a single event rather it is a continuing process. According to Tubbs and Moss, "It includes all the communication activities we engage in from the time we get up until we go to bed. Such activities can be thought of as transactions; it is a situation in which ‘I do something to you and you do something back'." Thus we can say that developing mutuality, intimacy and affection among the couples is a continuously growing process and it provides a joyful life in their marital relationships that leads them toward oneness.

Regarding bodily mutuality, St. Paul speaks of the importance of the human body in the context of sexual passion, "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1Cor. 7:4). This mutual authority over the partner's body clearly shows the need for real mutuality which can lead to bodily oneness and intimacy in marriage.

The Orthodox Church has a sacramental approach to human sexuality that can be interpreted on the basis of "kenotic theology". The sacramental nature of sexuality in marriage could be understood through the concept of "kenosis" self- emptying and self- sacrificing. By emptying oneself for the sake of the other, the couple becomes mutually one in flesh and mind and also through the bodily mutual relationship man and woman consummates their love and become one. They experience an unbreakable union with one another in the love and grace of God which they received through the administration of the sacrament of marriage. Here God's self- emptying and self- sacrificing love for the sake of the world is the model for the couples. In marriage they prepare and submit themselves to the wellbeing of their life - partner and also share their happiness and sorrows between each other which eases the burdens of their life. As Christ loves and calls her into a covenant relationship with all its limitations, that act is sacramental. As we have seen in the second chapter of this thesis "Submitting to one another in the love of Jesus Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husband as to our Lord… Husband, love your wives, even as Christ loved His Church and Himself for it…For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and unite with his wife and the two will become one flesh.(Eph.5:21-31). This mutual submission and understanding is the sacramental attitude of the body. A sacramental attitude to physical relationship in marriage transcends a utilitarian attitude. One cannot have a utilitarian as well as a sacramental attitude in marital life. In a utilitarian attitude, one partner sees the other as a means to his or her own emotional satisfaction whereas in a sacramental attitude, the partner's personhood is loved and respected for their own sake. Here bodily mutuality is the experience of sharing each other and the two persons merge into one, as expressed by the biblical phrase "to become one flesh". It is not only meant to satisfy a biological urge but to attain the oneness which can lead to holiness.

Marriage and Holiness

Through the sacrament of marriage in the Orthodox Church the couple learns God's purpose for their marriage which teaches them how to love each other like God loves the world with His perfect love by giving His only son, Jesus Christ. With God's love each partner will be able to be respectful, kind, gentle and patient rather than angry, critical or blaming. They still be able to focus on what is best for each of them rather than what one wants for himself/ herself. St. John Chrysostom says:

There are two reasons for which marriage was instituted: for the procreation of children and for the chastity of the couple themselves. Now that the earth is filled with people, there is no great need for procreation. Besides, since Christ has given us the hope of resurrection, we do not need children to perpetuate us. Therefore, the more important reason for marriage is to give us chastity. The virtue of chastity must be understood positively. It is not merely avoidance of immortality, but integrity of the person, body and soul and direction of oneself towards holiness. So the primary reason for marriage is the unity in love and holiness of the couple themselves, not the good of society or the reproduction of the species.

With God's love, a mutual submission of husband and wife is taking place in marriage irrespective of their boundaries and differences which transform them into holiness where they enjoy a selfless and unconditional love and care.

Marriage and Sanctification

Through the sacrament of marriage the couple starts their journey together towards the kingdom of God which is depicted as the final human destination or salvation. Salvation is an ongoing process where the couple grows in godliness by invoking God's love and grace constantly throughout their life. With this divine vision the couple is invited and challenged not only to begin their journey together, but also to be guided and inspired by it all the days of their life towards salvation. The couple, in their journey of marriage will be transformed to become perfectly selfless and caring toward each other. Through this selfless love and care the couple will experience God's love in their married life that helps the couples attain their ultimate destination of human life. According to Alkiviadis C. Calivas, an Orthodox theologian, "A marriage of faith is anchored in the sanctifying grace of the incarnation. In such a marriage two unique and fragile persons, a man and a woman are called to enter into the mystery of unlimited love and care in order to deepen in knowledge of each other and to become instruments of salvation and deification." By complementing each other, the couple surpasses their limitations and indifferences and work together in order to secure their eternity. Dr. Mamalakis says "Marriage does not end in this life. The perfecting that happens in marriage prepares us to live eternally with God. The destination of the marriage journey is heaven. The perfecting that happens in marriage is what we call salvation." While the couple acts in integrity, trust and faithfulness within their marital life there is less chances of disharmony and distress which may lead to the sanctification of their marriage life. On the other hand the couples commit their lives to the journey in togetherness, love, dedication, imitation of Christ likeness or self-sacrifice and one mindedness towards their goal of common attainment of oneness, holiness and salvation through mutual self- giving trust, commitment and intimacy.

Parents have to become role models for their children. Children are searching for good models everywhere. Parents must talk about these important theological aspects of marriage to their children and children should see the oneness, holiness and sanctification when they look at their parents' day to day affairs. This experience and family atmosphere could guide and prepare them for their marriage. Parents should set clear expectations and boundaries for their children and also make use of all teachable moments occur every day in their life which can make the communication comfortable and natural. Parents should make it as a life long process. So that they can build up a respectful and trusting relationship with their children too.

We discussed the sacramental meaning of marriage from an Orthodox perspective. The different meanings of marital relationship in Orthodox Church express the Christian virtue of love. Through marriage both husband and wife are mutually obliged to fulfill this responsibility. Thus marital relationship is an act of the total unity of two persons while each retains their complete separate identity. Therefore marital sexuality is a recurrent act of prayer of the couple where they give the Christian virtue of love to each other. I hope that this sacramental meaning of sexuality will help our Syriac Orthodox members to create a positive attitude to sex and family life which can promote true understanding, proper communication and mutual intimacy in marital sexuality there by creating deeper relationships and making life more sanctified and sacramental.

About The Author:

He felt my thirst, He saw my strife
He gave me first eternal life
I had no friend to share that life
He gave me then my precious wife

His love so great, He showed us how
To love our mate, fulfill our vow
Such love above; what could we do?
We learned to love each other, too

Well, I'm no Adam and she's no Eve
We'll never give Him cause to grieve
He'll make us worthy to receive
He gave Himself, He'll never leave

Gift upon gift He heaped and piled
Made our hearts lift: He gave a child!
She'd need, she'd call, for love and care
But, most of all, our fervent prayer

Her new sister cooed and bubbled
With love for her, our prayers doubled
Now as they've grown I've come to see
What God has known my need to be

I have the need to know God's love
I made Him bleed, He rose above
A slave to sin, He bought me back
Now He's within. I have no lack!

Well, I'm not Adam and she's not Eve
We'll never give Him cause to grieve
He'll make us worthy to receive
He gave Himself, He'll never leave

He gave Himself, He'll never leave
He gave and gave, He'll never leave
He gave and gave, would He stop now?
He gave and gave, could He stop now?

by Archbishop John Joseph Myers, Catholic Archdiocese of Newark, USA

Marriage is as old as humankind. From the beginning, God created the human race in his own image and likeness; male and female he created them (cf. Gen 1:27). Sexual difference and complementarity have been present from the beginning as part of God's creative plan. Equal in dignity but complementary in their sexual difference, men and women who are called to marriage are intended to form one-flesh unions: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gen 2:24). Thus, marriage can be seen as the "primordial sacrament" predating the Fall and surviving original sin. (1) It provides the ideal context for children - citizens of the state and of the Kingdom - to be formed, nurtured and educated. It is therefore the fundamental building block of every society and of the Church, a matter of vital concern to both.

This pastoral reflection is offered to the faithful of the Archdiocese of Newark to help them form their consciences, discern their vocations and, for the married, fulfill their vows. It is also offered to other men and women of good will - of every faith - who join us in the sincere hope of seeing family life flourish in northern New Jersey and throughout our state and our nation.

Because God loves and cares for us, He has revealed to us the nature, purposes, and meaning of marriage. This revelation is recorded in sacred Scripture and Tradition; it is safeguarded and faithfully developed by the Magisterium, the teaching office of the Church. This gives Catholics the assurance of faith in the Church's firm teaching on the nature of marriage. But marriage is also part of God's creative plan and can be known through reason, unaided by revelation. The truth about marriage is, in other words, part of the natural law. This pastoral letter will therefore consider marriage from the perspective of reason as well as revelation.

1: What is Marriage?

Marriage is a natural and pre-political institution. As such, it is not created by law or the state, though governments rightly recognize it in law and protect and support it for the sake of the common good. Marriage is a human institution, to be sure, and spouses can enter into the bond of marriage only by freely choosing to do so. Still, marriage is an institution whose defining features and structuring norms are not pure products of human choice. We cannot define and redefine marriage to suit our personal tastes or goals. We cannot make forms of relationship or types of conduct marital simply by attaching to them the world "marriage." The defining features and structuring norms of marriage are written in the design of creation and revealed to us by a loving God who has made marriage a powerful symbol of the mystery of his love for us. (2) Because it is part of the plan of creation, much of the truth about marriage can be known by reason unaided by revelation. But to help us to understand more fully and with greater certainty the mystery of marital love, God also revealed to us His plan for marriage.

Canon law and the Catechism of the Church both provide a straightforward definition of marriage: "The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered to the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring..." (3) Thus, the essential elements of marriage include a communion of life (unity), permanence, fidelity, and an ordering toward fecundity (fruitfulness). It should be clear from this definition that the Church recognizes as valid and binding all true marriages, not simply those between Catholics or Christians or believers in God. It is true that Christ has elevated the marital covenant between baptized persons to the dignity of a sacrament. But considered as a natural human good, marriage is, in a profound sense, prior not only to the state, but even to the Church and the Abrahamic covenant that Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike recognize as foundational to salvific faith.

Even in this broadest sense, the unity of the marital covenant is a communion of life and love. Husband and wife give themselves each to the other for the whole of life. Theirs is an open-ended commitment - a covenantal union for the whole of life ("for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health"), not a mere contract. It does not unite spouses just for the achievement of this or that specific project (even the profoundly important project of childrearing), but is intended to last for the whole of life ("until death do us part") in its many diverse dimensions. Spouses pledge to be faithful to each other ("I promise to be true to you...") and to accept children lovingly from God. (4)

This definition we know from faith as well as reason, and it is part of the authentic teaching of the Church. All Catholics, as the Second Vatican Council teaches, are called to give a religious assent of mind and will to this teaching. (5) Some of this teaching, such as the belief about the permanence of marriage, has been proposed infallibly by the ordinary universal Magisterium and defined by an Ecumenical Council and requires the assent of faith. (6) It is my duty as your Archbishop to remind you that Catholics who do not accept the teaching of the Church on marriage and family (especially those who teach or act in private or public life contrary to the Church's received tradition on marriage and family) by their own choice seriously harm their communion with Christ and His Church. I urge those not in communion with the Church regarding her teaching on marriage and family (or any other grave matter of faith) sincerely to re-examine their consciences, asking God for the grace of the Holy Spirit which "guide [us] to all truth" (John 16:13). If they continue to be unable to assent to or live the Church's teaching in these matters, they must in all honesty and humility refrain from receiving Holy Communion until they can do so with integrity; to continue to receive Holy Communion while so dissenting would be objectively dishonest.

All Christians struggle to live an upright life. All are in need of God's mercy and forgiveness. That is why all baptized christians are encouraged to frequent the sacrament of reconciliation where no sinner is beyond God's loving forgiveness. But there is a difference between trying to live the whole Gospel while repenting of failures along the way, and not even trying. Worse still is the attempt by some to alter or pervert the authentic teaching of the Church, which is the true teaching of Christ. As the Catechism teaches: "Mindful of Christ's words to his apostles: 'He who hears you, hears me' (Luke 10:16), the faithful receive with docility the teachings and directives that their pastors give them in different forms." (7) Jesus had very harsh things to say to those whose false teachings led others, especially the young, astray. (8) God is, then, perfectly just and perfectly merciful. He always calls us to complete fidelity, but never spurns a contrite heart.

2. Can the truth about marriage be known through reason alone?

The short answer to this question is "yes," most of the truth about marriage can be grasped through reason alone. Philosophers, both secular and religious, have from antiquity recognized the existence of the "natural law": a body of moral norms "written on the heart," as St. Paul said, that serve as the universal rational standard for human behavior. These norms are accessible to human persons through our powers of reason. They can be obscured by injustices and other sins, but they cannot be obliterated. They remain valid whether they are respected or dishonored, acknowledged or ignored. In other words, the natural law remains true, indeed accessible, even if the individual has not (yet) accepted it or no longer does. (9)

Neither the natural law nor the tradition of philosophical reflection on it is a Christian invention. Indeed, philosophical reflection on the natural law reaches back to the pre-Christian Greek philosophers, especially Plato and Aristotle and Roman jurists. Cicero describes his understanding of the natural law while serving as a political leader in the Roman Empire in the first century before Christ:

True law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting.... It is a sin to try to alter this law, nor is it allowable to attempt to repeal any part of it, and it is impossible to abolish it entirely. We cannot be freed from its obligations by senate or people, and we need not look outside ourselves for an expounder or interpreter of it.... And there will not be different laws at Rome and at Athens, or different laws now and in the future, but one eternal and unchangeable law will be valid for all nations and at all times, and there will be one master and ruler, that is, God, over us all, for he is the author of his law, its promulgator, and its enforcing judge. Whoever is disobedient is fleeing from himself and denying his human nature.... (10)

Christian thinkers such as St. Thomas Aquinas certainly contributed to the development of thought about natural law, and Christian statesmen relied upon it in the founding of modern nations. In the Unites States, our founding fathers believed in what the Declaration of Independence called "the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God." Our founders appealed to universal principles and natural rights that colonial Americans believed were being violated by British rule. They understood that there are objective principles of right and wrong, justice and injustice governing even the highest human authorities. As Martin Luther King, Jr. would later note, they understood that human law stands under the judgment of natural law and that human laws that fail to meet the standards of natural justice lack the power of just laws to bind in conscience.

It is so important in our times for us to recognize and to overcome false and ultimately destructive ideologies that deny what thinkers from Plato and Aristotle, to Cicero and Aquinas, to the American founders, to Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi all affirmed: that objective truth exists and it is our task to discover it, be formed by it, and to conform our lives as individuals and communities in accord with the truth. Human fulfillment and the moral norms that direct us to promote and protect it in all its dimensions are not arbitrary or subjective notions, but objective truths. Life has meaning, but its meaning is not assigned by us at will. We should want what is good, but something is not good simply because we want it. We must be masters of our desires; we must not let desires master us.

The various ideologies that today threaten the love of truth - and indeed, the very idea of objective truth - constitute, in the words of Pope Benedict XVI, a "dictatorship of relativism." They have dulled awareness, especially among the young, of any universally binding principles and norms, of acts that are always and everywhere objectively wrong. (11) But without truth, especially moral truth, there can be no justice or freedom or fairness; only naked power, commanding and controlling.

Such is the case with marriage. Many today believe that it is an arbitrary thing whose meaning and purpose is imposed by political or juridical fiat. It can mean one thing now and another later. But this has never been the case. As the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has pointed out:

The Church's teaching on marriage and on the complementarity of the sexes reiterates a truth that is evident to right reason and recognized as such by all the major cultures of the world. Marriage is not just any relationship between human beings. It was established by the Creator with its own nature, essential properties and purpose. No ideology can erase from the human spirit the certainty that marriage exists solely between a man and a woman, who by mutual personal gift, proper and exclusive to themselves, tend toward the communion of their persons. In this way, they mutually perfect each other, in order to cooperate with God in the procreation and upbringing of new human lives. The natural truth about marriage was confirmed by the Revelation contained in the biblical accounts of creation, an expression also of the original human wisdom, in which the voice of nature itself is heard. (12)

Our understanding of how best to live out the meaning of marriage may have evolved over time. But the nature, essential properties and purposes of marriage are not ours to change.

3. Conclusion

Let us join together in a prayer for our families given to us by Blessed John Paul II:

Lord God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are Love and Life.

Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world.

Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love.

Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage, may prove mightier than all the weakness and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth,
grant that the Church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family.

Through Christ our Lord, who is the Way, the Truth and the Life for ever and ever.

Amen.

Excerpted from a Pastoral Message Given on 14th day of September, 2012 - The Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross

Most Reverend John J. Myers
Archbishop of Newark

Endnotes

1 Blessed John Paul II. "Marriage is the Central Point of the 'Sacrament of Creation'" General Audience, October 6, 1982.

2 CF. Eph 5:20-33

3 CC 1055, 1; Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) 1601; cf. Gaudium et Spes, 48

4 Cf. Paul VI, Humanae Vitae par 11 and John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, 29.

5 Lumen Gentium, 25

6 Cf. Council of Trent, Session XXIV, De sacramentomatrimonii

7 CCC 87

8 Cf. Luke 17:2.

9 See, Jacques Maritain, Natural Law: Reflections on Theory and Practice, ed. William Sweet (South Bend: St. Augustine's Press, 2001), p. 7.

10 Cicero, De Republica, III, 22.

11 It is essential to grasp the philosophical and religious concepts surrounding natural law. See the Catechism of the Catholic Church 1954-1960.

12 Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, "Considerations Regarding Proposals To Give Legal Recognition To Unions Between Homosexual Persons", 2-3.

by Msgr. Charles Pope, Archdiocese of Washington

In terms of this feast of the Holy Family, let us make a consideration along three lines: Structure, Struggles, and Strategy.

I. Structure of Family

Bible instructs us on the basic form and the basic structure of the family. For example:

God sets a father in honor over his children; a mother's authority he confirms over her sons. (Sirach 3:2).

May your wife be like a fruitful vine, in the recesses of your home; your children like olive plants, around your table (Psalm 128:3).

Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and avoid any bitterness toward them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so that they may not become discouraged. (Colossians 3:20 - 21).

Each year, Jesus parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover… Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety… (Luke 2:45, 51,).

And he was obedient to them;… And Jesus advanced in age and wisdom and favor before God and man (Luke 2:51 - 52).

And thus we see the basic structure of family:

• A father in honor over his children
• A wife and mother, supportive of her husband and his authority.
• A mother, having authority over her children, supported loved and encouraged by her husband, and obeyed by her children.
• Children who both honor and obey their parents.
• Fathers, and by extension mothers, who instruct and admonish their children, but not in the way that badgers and discourages them, but in a way that encourages and builds them up.

A family structure that helps children to advance in wisdom, and age, and favor before God and man.

Here then, is God's basic teaching on family and marriage. Here is the basic structure for the family, as God sets it forth: a man who loves his wife, a woman, who loves her husband. And in this stable, lasting, and faithful union of mutual support and love, they conceive and raise their children in the holy fear of the Lord.

Add to this, the principal description of the book of Genesis, which describes how God says forth marriage: "A man shall leave his father and mother, cling to his wife, and the two of them shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24). And to this first couple, God gives the mandate, "Be fruitful and multiply." (Genesis 1:22).

And thus we have set forth biblically the basic structure for the family: a father, a mother, and children, all reverential, and supportive of one another, in their various roles and duties.

Note how the structure of the family, take its basic form in terms of its essential fruit: the procreation and rearing of children. Why should marriage be a stable and lasting union? Why is Adam told to cling to his wife, to form a stable and lasting union with her? Why?

Because, this is what is best for, and just for children! Children both need and deserve a stable and lasting union, of a father and a mother, of a complementary influence of the different sexes. Here is what is best for children to be raised and formed. Hence, the family structure of a father and a mother, a male and female parent, flows from what is best, and just for children. The structure of the family, as set forth by God, is rooted in what is best, and just for children. Here is what is sensible and best, sociologically, and psychologically, in terms of the proper development of Children.

Even before we open the Bible, it makes sense that a child should have a father and a mother, a male and female influence, and teaching. There are things that a male, and a father, can teach a child, that a mother, and a female, cannot best teach. Further, the mother, and a female, can teach, and model for children what only a mother, and a female best teaches.

This much is clear before we even open the Bible. Male and female influence are essential for the proper psychological and sociological development of the child. Clearly then, God's biblical mandates that marriage should include a father and a mother, is not without basis in simple human reason, and common sense.

To intentionally deprive a child of this context is both unjust to the child, and unwise. Hence, we see that the basic structure for marriage takes its shape from what is best, and what is just for children. Both God, and nature, provide for a father and a mother, a male and a female, to conceive and raise a child.

It also makes sense based on simple human reasoning that that relationship should be stable, something the child can depend on from day-to-day, month-to-month, and year-to-year, through all the formative years.

Here then is the proper structure for marriage. It is set forth both by God, and by human reason.

II. Struggles

And yet, what should be obvious to us as a culture seems to be strangely absent in the minds of many. Let us be clear: sin clouds our judgment, and makes many think that what is sinful and improper is in fact okay and good. It is not. In our current modern culture we gravely sin against God and against our children by consistent misconduct, and by the refusal to accept what is obviously true. The words of St. Paul are fulfilled in our modern times: their senseless minds were darkened, and they became vain and foolish in their reasoning. (Rom 1:21).

It is clear today that the family is in grave crisis. And it is also clear, that it is the children who suffer the most. Our modern age, in the Western world shows forth the mentality that is both deeply flawed, and gravely harmful to children.

Marriage and family are in great crisis do the willful and sinful habits of the vast majority of adults in our culture regarding sexuality, marriage, and family life. The rebellion of adults against the plan and order of God have caused endless grief and hardship, and set forth a culture that is poisonous to the proper raising and blessing of children.

Last week, we commented on this on the blog. Without repeating that whole blog post that the following excerpt stands forth:

Children have much to suffer in this world of our collective making. And while not all of us are equally guilty of contributing to the suffering of children, none of us are wholly innocent either, if for no other reason than our silence.

Consider that most children born today are no longer born into the stable and lasting family units they justly deserve with a father and mother committed to one another till death do them part.

The problems begin with fornication, which is rampant in our culture. And while most do not think of this as a sin of injustice, it is. It is so because of what it does primarily to children.

The fact is many children are conceived of fornication. Tragically most of these children who are thus conceived are outright murdered by abortion. 85% of abortions are performed on unmarried women. And for all the vaunted declarations of how contraception makes every baby a wanted baby, nothing could be further from the truth. Abortion has skyrocketed with the availability of contraception. This is because the problem is not fertility, it is lust, promiscuity, fornication and adultery. And contraception fuels these problems by further enabling them. The promises associated with contraception are lies, it does the opposite of what it promises.

Thus fornication and the contraceptive mentality (founded on lies) cause grave harm to children, beginning with death, in huge numbers. And the children, conceived of fornication who do (thankfully) survive are, nevertheless subjected to the injustice of usually being born into irregular situations. There are single mothers, some single fathers, and many other irregularities.

Add to this picture the large number of divorced families. And make no mistake, these shredded families cause great hardships and pain for children that include: children be shuttled back and forth between different household each week, having to meet "daddy's new girlfriend" or mommy's new "live-in boy-friend" and all sorts of other family chaos. Blended families also dramatically increase the likelihood of sexual and emotional abuse, since legal relationships seldom have the built-in protections of natural relationships.

All of this misbehavior, individual and cultural, harms children. Not being raised in a traditional marriage dramatically increases a child's likelihood of suffering many other social ills, starting with poverty.

The chief cause of poverty in this country, is the single motherhood, absent fatherhood.

71% of poor families are not married.

Children of single parent homes are:

2 times more likely to be arrested for juvenile crime,
2 times more likely be treated for emotional and behavioral problems,
Twice as likely to be suspended or expelled from school,
33% more likely to drop out of school,
3 times more likely to end up in jail by age 30.
50% more likely to live in poverty as adults,
And twice as likely to have a child outside of marriage themselves.

Add to the burdens children must experience, the new trend of same sex adoption.

Never mind that it is best for the psychological development of a child to have a father and mother, a male and female influence. No, what is best and just children must be sacrificed on the altar of political correctness. Same sex couples must now be given equal consideration under law (in many states) to heterosexual couples.
It's the adults and their rights that seem to matter most here, what is best for children is quite secondary.

Here then are our struggles. Our families are in grave crisis and MOST children in our culture are not raised in the stable and committed homes they deserve. And let us be even more clear, to intentionally deprive children of this sort of home by raising them outside of marriage, or in same sex unions etc., is sinful, wrong and an injustice.

Let us also be clear that it is not possible to personally judge every case of a broken family. The modern world has experienced as cultural tsunami and many have been influenced by lies and other false promises. It may be true that, if you are divorced you tried to save your marriage, but your spouse was unwilling. Perhaps in a moment of weakness, perhaps before your your conversion to Christ, you fell and bore children outside of marriage, but have done your best to raise them well.

But in the end we must say that children have had much to suffer on account of adult misbehavior in our culture. It is a true and sad fact, and we need to repent, and beg God's grace and mercy to undue our grave sins of commission, omission and silence. We have set forth a bitter world for our children to inherit.

III. Strategy

What are we to do? In phrase, "Preach the Word." What ever the sins of us, in this present generation (and there are many), we must be prepared to unambiguously re-propose the wisdom of God's Word to our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Even if many of us in the current generation have fallen short, we cannot hesitate to announce God's plan for sexuality, marriage, and family.

Our strategic proclamation must include these key elements:

• No sex before marriage, ever, or under any circumstances. Sexual intercourse is rooted in the procreation of children and there no legitimate use of it outside of marriage, ever; no exceptions to this.

• Children deserve and have the right to expect two parents, a father and mother, committed to each other till death do them part. Anything short of this is a grave injustice to children and a mortal sin before God.

• Gay unions, or single mothers and fathers, are NOT an acceptable alternative to biblical marriage, and to intentionally subject children to this for the sake of "political correctness" is a grave injustice to them.

• Marriage is about what is best for children, not adults.

• Married couples must learn to work out their differences (as was done in the past) and not rush to divorce courts, which offends God (cf Malachi 2:16).

• The needs of children far outweigh the preferences and needs of adults.

Whatever the personal failings of any of us in this present evil age (cf Gal 1:4), our strategy must be to preach the undiluted plan of God for sexuality, marriage and family to our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

In a phrase or two: "Back to the Bible! Back to the plan of God! Away with modern experiments and unbiblical schemes." God has given us a plan. And we, thinking we had better notions, have caused great sorrow and hardship for our descendants. We have acted unjustly, murdered or children through abortion, and, sowing in the wind, have caused those who have survived our misbehavior, to inherit the whirlwind. It is time to repent and help our heirs to rejoice in chastity, marriage and biblical family. Otherwise we are doomed to perish.

God has a plan and it must be our strategy out of our struggles and back to God's structure for our families.

This song says,

by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson

"I Promise…"

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.'"
- Matthew 5:37

Love can be defined in myriad ways, but in marriage "I love you" really means "I promise to be there for you all of my days." It is a promise that says, "I'll be there when you lose your job, your health, your parents, your looks, your confidence, your friends." It's a promise that tells your partner, "I'll build you up; I'll overlook your weaknesses; I'll forgive your mistakes; I'll put your needs above my own; I'll stick by you even when the going gets tough."

This kind of assurance will hold you steady through all of life's ups and downs, through all the "better or worse" conditions.

The Lord has demonstrated throughout the ages that He keeps His promises - including the most important one of all, reserving a spot in heaven for each of His followers, for all eternity. Since God keeps His promises, we must keep ours too - especially the one we made before God, our family, our friends, and our church on our wedding day.

Just between us…

What part of my wedding vow means the most to you now?
In what ways has our pledge to "stick together no matter what" seen us through hard times?
How do we benefit spiritually from keeping our commitments?

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Love never fails
-1 Corinthians 13:8

Perhaps you've heard someone in a failed relationship say, "We always loved each other, but we just couldn't get along." They may have loved much, but they didn't know how to love well.

First Corinthians 13 is great counsel on how to love well in marriage. Loving well is the most essential ingredient for even the most spiritual people. For one thing, loving well brings music to our words (see verse 1). In times of trouble, we can be suspicious of the things our spouse says to us. If our actions don't show love, words of love will only clang in our hearts. But loving behavior makes even our most mundane conversations melodic.

Similarly, loving well adds muscle to our faith (see verse 2). It doesn't matter what kinds of obstacles we overcome or what kinds of insights we have; without acting in love toward those closest to us, even the greatest spiritual accomplishments turn to dust.

Finally, loving well brings value to our sacrifices (see verse 3). In marriage, we often sacrifice for our partner, but there can be a point at which we start keeping track of what those efforts cost us. When we love well, even the smallest sacrifices become treasures rather than points scored.

Verses 4-7 are practical reminders for marriage.

Verse 4: When he is thoughtless and inconsistent, "love is patient." When she hurts you, "love is kind." When other couples have what you want, love "does not envy." When you were right and he was wrong, love "does not boast." When you did a better job than she did, love "is not proud."

Verse 5: When you know your spouse hates it when you are habitually late, love "does not dishonor others." When no one thinks of you - your needs, your feelings, your desires or your rights - love "is not self-seeking." When you've had a long day and you're tired, or when she seems to be taking potshots at you, love "is not easily angered." When your spouse doesn't say "I'm sorry" for some offense, love "keeps no record of wrongs."

Verse 7: When he or she is taking a pounding from the world, your love, like a roof overhead, "protects." When you've been hurt or disappointed or betrayed, love "trusts." When no one notices how much you care or how often you cry, love "hopes." And when your love has been abused and questioned, when the door has been slammed in your face, when you've been completely ignored, love "perseveres."

Of course, if we're honest with one another, we have to admit that none of us measures up to the kind of love described in 1 Corinthians 13. No matter how much we love our spouse, loving well is too hard for us.

That is why our relationship with Christ and the infilling of the Holy Spirit are so crucial. The Lord expects us to do our best - to throw our hearts and wills into all aspects of loving well. But when we've reached the limit of our ability, stunted by our sinfulness and weakness, we can pray for grace to do better.

God can dial down our selfishness, release us from our insecurities and scorekeeping, and refresh our delight in our partner, so that we can begin to know the blessing of loving well.

Let's Talk

- What is one verbal expression of love that is most like music to each of us?
- What one sacrifice of love is especially hard for each of us?
- What sacrifices do we make for each other that are especially meaningful?